Continually Seeking Him

Beautiful Things out of the Dust....

2012-02-08T22:13:00.003-06:00

Today I was fighting going to church.

You see usually on Wednesdays we go up to the church around 3:00 to help with a ministry called "5-7". It is a ministry where we cook and feed about 300-400 people in the community.

The kids love to go up and play with the other volunteer's kids and I truly like to go and help as well as have some time with the other ladies there.

But today, I felt blah and wanted to stay home. But the kids really wanted to go. And Noah goes to a youth program called "NBTweeners", so inevitably at some point, I would need to go.

So, at 5:00 we head up there...we stayed for an hour or so then needed to go get Micah from his AA meeting. I told the kids we were going home after that, but they begged to go back because tonight was a program called "United". It is a night where the youth from other churches are invited to our church to have a night of worship and teaching, usually from a known youth pastor or comedian or musician. It is a night where the youth of Paul's Valley are "united".

So, I gave in. We went back.

And then I see it was God's plan. Hum, imagine that.

I was moved by His presence there in a way that I had not been moved for a while.

I felt Him in the worship, in the place.

Then I saw her. Tammy. The meth addict that I met weeks before. She walked by me crying and leaving the sanctuary...so I follow.

She had relapsed. She has a court date on the 24th and if she is not sober, she goes to prison. She has not seen her kids. She is a mess.

She cries out to me, on me, and is broken. It breaks my heart. I listen, I hug, I cry with her. She is so done being this way. She is so done with her body aging way beyond her young 28 years due to the drugs. She is done not seeing her kids. She is done being paranoid. She wants to get well. But there is no bed for her at the facility she is waiting to go to.

I told her to find a bed...any bed. To get help. I told her that my birthday is the 24th, the day of her court date, and for my birthday present I want her to be sober and NOT going to prison. I told her she could change the course of her life but would have to give it completely to the Lord. That she could NOT do it in her own strength, she has tried. She must give it to Him.

She is lonely. She is tired. She is over it. And I can see her pain. I can literally feel it. She looked at my kids and just cried. She misses hers so much. I cannot imagine not tucking mine each night and not knowing all about their day or what their good and bad things that happened. I cannot imagine,nor do I want to.

But I did tell her, we are all one choice away from where she is at. That we could all be where she is...all it takes is one choice.

And she could be where we are too...but she needs to get well. She needs to be in a rehab where she cannot relapse. Where it is not an option. Where she is safe...for a time being. So God can get ahold of her heart and she becomes then addicted to Him.

I told her I know of several addicts that gave up a life of drugs, sex, and crime for a life of needing HIM, just like they used to need their fix. That she could do that too. That she would have an amazing testimony and change so many lives...all because of what she is going through right now. But she needs to get sober. Now.

She said she had listened to the band Tool all day because she feels so much anger and she needed to get it out. I told her no more. She is only feeding the anger...justifying it. She is allowing it in and it penetrates the soul. If she is going to be angry, she needs to be angry at the enemy of our souls. He is a liar, murderer and thief. He is the real enemy. Not herself. Yes, she made bad choices, but she CAN get better, but she must fight the enemy whispering in her ear that she cannot.

I advised her to feed her mind with good, positive music that will focus her mind on Christ Jesus. If she likes hard music, go for Skillet, Pillar, Demon Hunter, or Disciple. If she wants worship, there are many of those...but she must feed the life, not the anger and hate. That will only lead down the road she has already gone down...a life to death. She asked me to burn her a CD...but I don't have the capability...anyone?!

She is heavy on my heart. I see her pain. The kids saw her pain and listened and asked what was wrong. I told them drugs. Plain and simple. Drugs kill people, families, dreams, and souls. I hate them. With passion. And the fact that so many people do them, and make them, and sell them to our youth disgusts me. As a wife of an ex-addict, it infuriates me. I pray, only by the grace of God, that my kids do NOT even attempt satisfaction in drugs. I beg God. I plead with Him.

I am glad they see the effects, within our own family, and those around us. I am glad they see the pain it causes, but also the unconditional love we show those that are suffering from addiction. That we love them, pray with them, point them to Him. I told her to get on her face in front of God and tell Him you are done!!! That HE is mighty to SAVE! That is He is stronger than she could ever be! That HE is the one she needs!!!

She told me she loves this song...and it seems so fitting. Enjoy. And please...pray for Tammy.
Beautiful Things

And this is the song that played tonight that I thought was crying out to her...
Hillsong - Stronger

A Full Home...24/7

2012-02-08T10:44:00.004-06:00

This morning as I drink my coffee and eat my (highly fattening) cinnamon roll, I can't help but feel blessed.

Noah went with daddy to burn stuff and shoot stuff :)

The two little boys and Journey are building things in the living room with Lincoln Logs as worship plays all around us.

I love having my home full of those I love.

I love having them home with me everyday. Somedays its harder than others, of course, but when they all grow into adults and choose their path and leave this home, I will be so glad that I chose to keep them home for this time.

We can never get this time back and I am already starting to miss the babies they once were.

Is homeschooling 4 kids while working from home and supporting my family the easiest way? NO!

Is it the best way? YES.

Is it perfect? no...but we learn all sorts of great lessons...mostly grace and forgiveness. :) We all know that when you are with people 24/7 you tend to get on each others nerves. But the opposite happens as well...relationships are built that will never be severed.

There are days when we just put the school books up and curl up on the couch and watch a game of hockey and hang out. For the sake of everyone's sanity, it has to happen.

Then there are days when the school goes seamlessly and chores are done with a great attitude...and the days just runs smooth.

Then of course are the days when it seems like nothing goes right.

But through it all, I will NOT throw my hands up and give up. I will not take the easy route, when God has led us this route. I know there is a purpose in keeping our kids home with us and I am thankful we obeyed and did it.

I am starting to realize...the most important thing they can learn is to love the Lord. Algebra, writing, science, world history and all that will come and has come to some of them...but really, their character and their heart is what I must help mold first. So when we are having a rough day with any of the subjects in school, I must remember what is most important...and that these things "of the world" can be put down and taught again tomorrow.

Lord, help me remember that when I get frustrated :)

So, I encourage you...if you feel the Lord leading you to keep your babies home and teach them the love of the Lord and the subjects of the world at home, do it. If He calls you to it, He will lead you through it. Will it be easy? NO. This certainly is not the easy way. But when they are 20 and leaving the home for a life of their own, you, and they, will be glad that they spent the first couple decades of their life with those that loved them most.

And I pray that keeps them from moving too far away :)

The Worn Path

2012-02-07T22:35:00.006-06:00

As I wear a path from my side of the bed to each of the kid's bedrooms tonight...and almost every night, I can't help but feel grateful.

As my youngest yelled "mommy!" four times and I finally got up to go in there, I was reminded of how blessed I am. He was climbing down the ladder of his bunk bed and turned and looked at me and simply said, "I love you". To which my heart melted and I said I love him too. Then pulled him off the ladder and held him, thanking God for these times. Someday he will be too big to hold and I will miss that terribly. He is my baby. The last one small enough to just stand and hold and sway...

The time really does go by fast. And sometimes I am guilty of wishing it away. When it's loud and chaotic and I feel pulled in a hundred different directions, I certainly am not feeling grateful. But I should be. Because one day it will be unusually quiet and calm in my home and I will hate it.

So, as I wear a path from my side of the bed to both bedrooms to tuck kids in...yet again, to pray away bad dreams, to get a cup of water, or tell the boys to be quiet and go bed, I pray I am grateful. That I realize I don't deserve any of this nor am I entitled to it. It is a straight up blessing from the Lord...plain and simple.

And on that note, I prayed over the kids tonight that they would be godly men (and woman) who are going to do mighty things in the kingdom of God. That they would stand for His righteousness and not waiver. That they would remain pure in an impure world...and that they realize that HE is all that matters in this life. That their salvation is my utmost priority and their relationship with the Lord grows in mighty ways as they grow. I care about nothing else...because I know that if my kids hearts are given to our Lord, He has great and mighty plans that we cannot even begin to imagine. He will lead them, and I pray they follow.

I am not always the best example for that...so I pray they see my heart. That they know I try and that it is okay to fail. As long as we turn to Him when we get up. He will lift us up, wipe us off, and love us through...again and again and again...as we should do for each other as well.

Well...the path is being worn again tonight, this time by our princess. She claims she is scared. Every night.

So tonight I told her to read Psalms, pray outloud against the enemy using the power of the name Jesus, then see how she feels.

So she just came in and said she did those things and decided, although she still wants to come sleep on our pallet, she wanted to make it a routine every night. I love when God speaks to them...and they obey. I pray she sees the power in prayer, especially using the mighty name of Jesus causing the enemy to flee.

I know tonight's post was random and sort of all over the place, but so is my life. I don't claim to be a great writer nor to have it all together. So if you are reading my blog...don't expect those things :) Only honesty, life, and all the little things I need to be reminded that I am grateful for.

It looks as though....

2012-02-06T18:29:00.003-06:00

It looks as though we are moving.

There is a rental in Dublin, TX (just outside Stephenville) we can get into next month. Considering another person brought more foreclosure info to our rental house, looks like its time to move on.

In case you didn't hear the great story...here is the short version. We pay rent, landlord doesn't pay mortgage. House goes into foreclosure....

I know we have "rights" to stay here until our lease is up, but that is only another additional month anyway, and at this point, we are ready to get out and stop handing the landlord anymore of our money.

The rent house in Dublin can be a temporary stop for us as we continue to house hunt. But we have found one we love...now the prayer is that it stays on the market until April (when my credit should be ready for a loan!).

I have worked hard to rebuild my credit from unfortunate circumstances in the past, and we are so close...but not there yet. So our hope is the house stays available until then.

The house we love is in foreclosure and needs work. We don't mind though. It will be a GREAT investment property and Micah can do all the labor on it. We would move in with over 100k already in equity due to the short sale price, then once we do all the work, we could easily sell it and make 150k in 4-5 years, which is when we plan to purchase our FINAL home with LOTS o land :)

This is hard on all of us. So much to do, so little time. The kids have mixed emotions, but pretty much sad. I hate it. But I do know the town is great. Lots for families to do..and the realtor is already doing a basket party for me and promised to do a very large home party when I get down there. She knows everyone, so this could be a great foot in the door. That excites me.

So please pray for God's will. That if His plan is for us to do all this, that it happens. And if it's not His will, it doesn't happen and we don't have a two year old tantrum. That we trust Him, keep seeking, and move on. We know HIS plans are far better than ours...it says it right in the Word. It's believing it to be true and trusting in our hearts...

Will keep you updated on the next journey in the Swindell home...

Mind racing

2012-02-05T00:45:00.004-06:00

Tonight I lay in a hotel room in Stephenville, Tx unable to sleep.

Mind is racing.

So much to think about. What will our next step be?!

We looked at a few houses today and look at a few more tomorrow.

Along with those we drove by a rental she said we could temporarily move in March 11 while we continue to look for a home to buy.

So tonight my mind won't shut off.

There was one home we looked at that was in foreclosure that we loved. It was huge, already has about 100k in equity due to being a short sale, and could be fixed up to sell and make quite a profit in a few years. The kids loved it. Honestly I did too.

But it's a little over what we can probably spend...but are probably going to still make them an offer. Just in case.

It would take lots of time snd energy to remodel, update, and fix...but should give us quite a profit if we did.

We don't intend for this home to be our final home...but instead have a goal of having that in 5 years. We know my Scentsy business should have grown ten fold at that point and we should be able to get (or build) our dream home/bucking bull ranch. Right now, it's just not feasible. Plus, we don't have a lot of time before our lease is up and we must be moving on.

The kids are excited yet sad. They don't want say goodbye to friends again, and neither do I. But I reassure them we will make more. There is a large homeschool support gtoup and sports club here, many fun activities (bowling, skate park, outdoor water park, etc) that we will meet new friends at.

But it's still hard. That's why I pray this is our last location move.

Until then, I lie in the Hotel room, unable to sleep, mind racing

Funk Happens.

2012-02-02T07:50:00.005-06:00

Sometimes things happen that you don't expect. Maybe you should, and maybe you do subconsciously, but regardless, its hard to deal with it when it does.

Life is not all what WE plan it to be.

We could all write a book of what WE plan our life to look like. And when we do, I am pretty sure things like this are not in there:

addictions

death

shame

cancer

bankruptcy

guilt

And the list could go and on...

And while we don't WANT these things to happen. They do. And almost to all of us, or to someone close to us. So what do we do when they happen?

We have two choices.

One, get mad and run.

Two, cling to God like we have never clung before.

The first is pretty justifiable especially when it is someone you love that has done something TO you. You feel like its your right, your only way to cope, your way out. You feel like the grass is greener somewhere else. But you know what the deal is when you run...it doesn't go away, it just changes shape. You will get hurt again, it will just look different.

The second choice is the only way to reach true freedom. To know God is in complete control. That if WE allow Him, He will refine us through these trials and horrible things. That is in His grand scheme of things, He WILL use it for good... He has given us promises and in times like this, we must cling to them...its the only way to get through and be BETTER on the other side.

Romans 8:28

And we know that God causes everything to work togethertfor the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them

James 1:2-4

2 Dear brothers and sisters,t when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

So when these things, called life, happen...I pray we cling to Him. That we do not run. That we don't hide. We can't. That we embrace these trials as a time of refining and giving us a deeper faith that we never would have had unless we went through this.

I know it's easier said than done, but it can be done. Been there done that. And will probably 100 more times in this lifetime. Then it is on to eternity with my Creator from there. Amen.

This part is hard....

2012-01-31T21:41:00.005-06:00

I always have a love/hate relationship with leaving my husband and kids. I hate saying goodbye to their tear filled eyes, but I love seeing my sister and all my Scentsy family!

But with Scentsy, and being in the leadership position I am in, I have travel to sometimes.

Tonight, Journey cried. It broke my heart. I hate leaving them, but I do love to see my Scentsy family.

I try to explain to the kids, either I (or dad) can be gone all day everyday to a "regular job", or I can go away a handful of times throughout the year and home ALL the rest of the time. They still don't get it...someday I hope they will.

I pray they realize that I am doing this for them. The reason I travel is to stregthen my own business as well as my team. That I want to build a great asset for them to have one day. That I can pass this business on to them and they will be successful in what I have built.

And sometimes, to do that, I need to travel. And it breaks my heart. I miss them every night...that is the worst. I want to kiss them, tuck them in, and pray with them. I want to love on them...but for the next few nights, that will be daddy's job.

I know he will take great care of them, but it is not the same.

Yhank God I have a supportive husband who can be Mr Mom when I am gone. Thank God he doesn't have to work daily so we don't have issues when I leave. Thank God for our blessed life.

When I do travel, it makes me appreciate them more, that's for sure. So when I get home, I will love on them, give them grace, laugh with them, and enjoy our time together...until the next time :)

Please pray for safe travels for me...and for the kids to have a great time with their dad while I am gone. For them to make great memories of squeezing all in our bed while I am not there :) To play games of Uno all day. To walk around the acreage and look for animals. To watch the Thunder play and eat junk food. To just enjoy their dad and each other. That is my prayer.

The ones we are here to love...

2012-01-29T19:30:00.006-06:00

Today, I met a woman at church that is lost and needs a Savior. I spent about 15 minutes listening to her pour her heart out to me and tell of her struggles. I do not doubt for a second, there was a reason I left in the middle of the service to go out in the hall. She came out shortly after and we started talking.

She has quite a story. It may be similar to yours. It may not. We all have a story.

Because of unfortunate events in her childhood, she has been addicted to meth since she was 14. She has the physical markings to prove it. For the last 14 years, she has depended on this drug to meet her needs.

She also has 2 children. A boy and girl ages 9 and 8. She rarely sees them. Her husband divorced her and took her kids, rightly so, she was addicted to meth at the time and there had even been shootings at her house. She doesn't blame him for taking them, but man, does she miss them.

I asked her how she got the money to do her drugs. She said "the oldest trick in the book. And do you know what that makes a woman feel like?"

No, I don't...but I can only imagine.

The only times she can see her kids is when she goes to their basketball games. Her son plays with my son. That is what brought us together...and for her to come up and talk to me today.

So, I listened. I asked questions. I told her truth from the Word. I gave her advice. I told her there is hope. But she has to want it. She has to want to change.

This is who Jesus hung out with and loved. These are the ones that he forgave and changed their lives. How can we do less?

Mark 2:16-17:

Some teachers of the law who were Pharisees were there. They saw Jesus eating with "sinners" and tax collectors. So they asked his disciples, "Why does he eat with tax collectors and 'sinners'?"

17 Jesus heard that. So he said to them, "Those who are healthy don't need a doctor. Sick people do. I have not come to get those who think they are right with God to follow me. I have come to get sinners to follow me."

Luke 15:1-7:

1 Tax collectors and other notorious sinners often came to listen to Jesus teach.

2 This made the Pharisees and teachers of religious law complain that he was associating with such sinful people—even eating with them!

3 So Jesus told them this story:4 “If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them gets lost, what will he do? Won’t he leave the ninety-nine others in the wilderness and go to search for the one that is lost until he finds it?5 And when he has found it, he will joyfully carry it home on his shoulders.6 When he arrives, he will call together his friends and neighbors, saying, ‘Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep.’

7 In the same way, there is more joy in heaven over one lost sinner who repents and returns to God than over ninety-nine others who are righteous and haven’t strayed away!

Psalm 34:18:

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

Luke 6:36:

You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate.

1 Timothy 1:15:

Here is a saying that you can trust. It should be accepted completely. Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners. And I am the worst sinner of all.

Matthew 9:10:

Later Jesus was having dinner at Matthew's house. Many tax collectors and "sinners" came. They ate with Jesus and his disciples.

I would hope any believer of Christ would sit and listen to her too. I would hope she would feel the love of Christ through those of us here on earth representing Him. I would hope she fully surrenders to Him and her life is changed forever.

I told her if she gives her life to Him, she is a NEW creation and she can be the generation to change her children's future. They have had a hard life, we can all agree on that...the dad does not seem to be a whole lot better then a drug addicted mom. They have seen things no child to see and probably felt things no child needs to feel.

But there is hope. Where there is the love of God, there is hope. And His love is everywhere, she just needs to accept it and give up control. After all, look where controlling her own life led her. She has no where to go but up at this point.

She told me she was bi-polar, I said good, I think King David was too :) I asked if she read Psalms and saw how he went from angry to happy, to ready to kill, to ready to save... that man seems very bi polar. I told her to dig into Psalms. To see that it is okay to be angry, lost, sad, etc...and then turn to Proverbs and live by his wisdom.

I also told her to listen to Klove whenever she could get near a radio. Oh ya, forgot to mention, she has no electricity, no job, no gas, nothing. She was going to go back up to the church tomorrow to see if we could help get her electric turned on. I pray we do.

She is leaving to go to rehab soon. She says she has been sober 70 days, but honestly, I don't believe it. She looked high. But, if she follows through and goes to treatment, she could possibly come out of this sober and straight.

I told her Micah could understand and he would love to take her to a local meeting when she gets back.

I pray she heard me, I mean REALLY heard me today. That she wants to change so badly she figures, heck, why not...and give her life to Him. And that he wraps His arms around her so tight and never lets go. That she is a changed woman and that she helps change those around her, especially her sweet kids.

I pray for her...would you please too?

John 3:16-17

"God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son. Anyone who believes in him will not die but will have eternal life.

17 "God did not send his Son into the world to judge the world. He sent his Son to save the world through him

So blessed - OKC Spring Sprint!

2012-01-28T22:31:00.007-06:00

Today was full...and good.

I love events like this. I love the energy, the laughter, the motivation, inspiration, and the people I get to meet and stories I get to hear. It energizes me and moves me in ways to keep growing my business by teaching other women (and some men) to own small businesses at home and letting them know they CAN do it. They are able, they have what it takes, they just need to tap into it. They need to believe in themselves.

Scentsy has been nothing but a blessing to our family. In a desperate time, I joined hoping to help pay bills as Micah and I were going through an on again and off again separation. Little did I know, just 8 months after I started my business, I would be a single mom supporting my kids. But God knew. He prepared me for it, in many ways, one being building my team and customer base. At just the right time, I was making enough with Scentsy and cleaning houses, that I was able to leave with the kids. God knew the perfect timing in all of it.

And when Micah got treatment and got sober, it was the perfect time to come back into our lives, as I was making enough where he could stay home and focus on his family and his sobriety, without stressing about work or hanging out with the same bad influences again. God's perfect timing once again.

I am thankful for all that Scentsy has brought to my life. My family is blessed. And I LOVE sharing this blessing with others. I love helping women succeed and watching their lives change. It's a high.

This year is going to be BIG. I mean, way BIG. We are entering markets with new products that expands our current market by 6 times!! Seriously...and we don't even have to really do anything new to take advantage. This company cares about us and our success. In a time like this, many companies sell. Well that is not an option for Orville and Heidi Thompson, CEO and President of Scentsy. They said, and I quote, "Not enough lives have been changed." Not to mention, they promised never to sell out. :) And they truly mean it.

They want the person that signed up in 2004, 2009, and 2012 to have the same opportunity to build a downline of thousands, reach SuperStar Director, earn a large residual income, and build an asset of a business that is multi generational and can be handed down to their children and their grandchildren. We are blessed.

I could go on and on about how amazing they are and the opportunity we have in front of us, but I will stop - for now :) Instead, I will show you some pics of the fun we had today. Enjoy!

And remember, if you want part of this fun, excitement, new ground floor opportunities in the new brands coming out, or just some part time income, you know where to find me - yummy.scentsy.us.

See more pics of the Spring Sprint in PA next week!!! FUN!!

So excited!!

2012-01-27T21:59:00.008-06:00

Tomorrow, in OKC at the Cox Convention Center, is an event called Sprint Sprint. Scentsy started doing this last year and traveled for almost a month across country, 2 different teams and 2 different routes, visiting many states.

It is a mini-convention, training type of day and it is so fun!! Last year, I missed the OKC one due to an ill grandmother, but was able to attend in Pennsylvania and we had a blast. Here are some pics :)

I am hoping to have some more great pics in the next few days of tomorrow to share on here with you. We have tons of fun together! I love my group!! And in just a few more days, I am heading back up to PA to do it again with the northeast team! There will be about double the amount that was there last year! That is amazing!

Tomorrow we get to learn from the best too! Personal friends of mine, and fellow SuperStar Directors Allison Dalke, Jacqueline Roy, and Jana Holcomb will be teaching on stage. I am so proud of them and know they will teach all of us some wonderful things!

We will also get to see all the new Scentsy products coming out, along with get our own kit full of goodies! There is also a chance to win a Gold, Silver, and Purple ticket, which can win us anything from free product to an all expense paid trip to Convention in Vegas in July for two!! We will see the new warmers, new scents, new bath and laundry care, new cards with scents AND then new Velata line and the yummy chocolate!! YUMMO!

And my favorite part of the day is after...our group is walking over to the canal and going to eat at Chelino's. This is a time to talk about everything we just learned, to get to know each other better, to meet new friends, to share our excitement, and build bonds. This is a business of relationships...and this dinner will help just as much as the day of training!

I just love all the girls that are going and so excited to see what their business is going to do in 2012. BIG things are happening with Scentsy and I am super excited to be part of it!

You know that commercial with the pig zip lining and he says, "Weeeee, Weeee, Weeeeeeee! Pure. Adrenaline."? That is Scensty. That is what I get to do and get paid to do it. That is our businesses. We have fun...and it's only going to get better from here!!!

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

It does matter.

2012-01-26T19:57:00.005-06:00

Micah made a comment today that made sense...and something I have known for quite sometime :) He said all day long he had listened to Air1 while travelling to Edmond and back and it made his attitude WAY better. He was positive and focused on things that matter, not getting upset over dumb things and bad drivers.

I have always played worship music in our home for hours a day. Whenever we drive anywhere (and I am in charge of the radio lol), I put it on Air1 or Klove. It just sets the mood for those in the car. Not to mention, the positive words going in my kid's heads over and over and over. They sing along with the words, sometimes not even realizing they are saying bible verses word for word.

I cannot ask for a better way to set the tone for the home or car ride. What do you listen to?

Us, we listen to - Air1 (go to Air1.com and listen anywhere) or Klove (klove.com) - of course with the occasional country or dance music. But 90% of the time, its positive and encouraging music. I would rather the kids hear God's word then about drinking beer, having sex, or degrading women, as heard in MUCH of today's pop music. I am so over it. I hate it in fact. I don't care what you say, it does effect those who hear it. It becomes normal. It did for me when I was young, and I will not allow that behavior to be the norm for our behavior.

My kids know we are weird. They know we are not like the majority of people out there. They know kids their age are listening to it and can sing all the lyrics. They know they are dancing to it in a way kids should not dance. It affects kids. Period. Like I said, it did to me when I was their age. And I will be danged if I allow that to my kids.

Ok, off my soap box. In the meantime, Air1 and Klove have a 30 day challenge going on right now. Listen to Christian music ONLY for 30 days and see how it changes your life. So, I challenge you. Do it. And if you go to their websites and let them know you are up to the challenge, you could win some prizes for doing it!

If you are in search of some awesome Christian bands...here are a few of mine.

Skillet - http://www.skillet.com/

Kutless - http://www.kutless.com

Jeremy Camp - http://www.JeremyCamp.com

Casting Crowns - https://castingcrowns.com/node

Kari Jobe - http://karijobe.com/#!/ss:facebook

Group 1 Crew - http://www.group1crew.com/#p=

Plus Many, Many, Many more!!!

Hope you enjoy all these amazing bands and it fills your head and heart with God's love!

We are blessed.

2012-01-25T21:58:00.003-06:00

I have to remember daily that we are blessed. Even when we don't have all the answers or things do not go the way we want them to...we are blessed. In a time when I watch other families pray over their children that are in a life or death situation, I am thankful all four of mine are in our home, safe and healthy. It could be much worse. In a time where I see women raising kids alone (which I have done), we are blessed to have our family all together. In a time when one or both parents are gone all day to one or two jobs, we get to be together all day long.

I could go on and on about this. But I think I am preaching to myself. I have pity parties. I make things harder than they have to. I worry too much. And I tend to be an all or nothing person. If I would just relax, sit back, and only tend to the big things...I know God will take care of the details. Maybe it is all about trusting Him. Hmmm.

A dear friend of mine told me not too long ago, "Life is simple. You just have to choose it to be." Of course my response was something like, "WHAT?!". I don't know simple. I don't know how to live simply or just be simple. But in the moment, my emotions were taking over. I just got back from Mexico and returning home from trips is always hard. You miss the people you spent time with, you are thrown back into "real life", and things don't always go the way you planned when you left. So looking back, I overreacted.

Now I am realizing, my life is simple. And blessed.

I get to do what I love and get paid to do it. I get to work the hours I want to work. I get to train up other leaders to take control of their lives as well. I get to pray for friends. I get to volunteer at our local church feeding hungry. I get to attend Life Group. I get to teach my children what we believe is important for them to learn at home. I get to see my kids and husband all day, every day (minus the hunting days :). I get to travel several times a year to meet with other amazing leaders in our company. I get to have fun. I get to laugh. I get to cry. I get to hug my kids a zillion times a day. I get to kiss them at night and tuck them in.

I am blessed. And really my life is simple. It's choosing it daily that I must remember. Even through the hard days, the busy days, and the crazy days...I am blessed. I don't deserve the life I have. I didn't do anything special to earn it. But man, I am thankful for it. And I pray that daily I remind myself of this, and to keep it simple....so in turn, my kids will learn it too.

Where oh where?

2012-01-24T15:42:00.002-06:00

So, if you don't know already, our current house situation is not working :/ Although we have been great tenants and paid our rent every month...our landlord has not been paying her mortgage. So...the house is in foreclosure. Awesome.

I know God is working this for our good, but its still hard living in limbo of our next step. We thought we would be in this home for a while, making it our last step before our final home, but it looks like that won't happen. Things are falling apart on this house and we have decided not to stay in it and try to buy it. So...on we move...again.

This time we really want to find a home we can put roots down in. Our poor kids have moved way too many times. I moved a lot as a child too and I didn't like it. I want them to make friends and keep them...not have to say goodbye. It's heartbreaking as a parent to watch and have to do as well.

Most of you know Micah's dream...to own a bucking bull business. He has been blessed to have a friend and mentor, Scott Acamazo, owner of Ace of Spades ranch. Scott has been helping, teaching and training him on what the aspects of being a stock contractor of bucking bulls entails. This is his dream and as a couple, it is my dream too. So...that throws a curve ball in our next plans. Scott, and MANY other contractors and bull riders, live in Stephenville, TX. Micah has traveled several times in the last 6 months to Scott's place to help and learn. So, I ask myself, if this is our dream and that is where he needs to go to learn, why don't we move there? If he wanted to be a doctor, we would have to move near a medical school...so this is basically the same thing.

This is a big step. This is scary. But exciting. That means I have to find a new customer and host base for Scentsy down there. Yes, I will keep many of my same customers and hosts because I can ship basket parties and I can ship orders directly to them...but in order to continue to build my business, I need to step outside of my comfort zone and meet new people. Stephenville is a college town so it has a lot of promise for growth for Scentsy and our new brand, Velata. I teach about finding new hosts, customers, and recruits...but now will I have to practice what I preach. Eeek. :)

So, next Wednesday I fly to Philadelphia for Scentsy Spring Sprint and then will fly back to Dallas on Friday. The kids and Micah will meet me there where we will spend the night then head to Stephenville the next day to look around, show the kids the town (I have been there once), and look at a few houses. Please pray for us. Pray that God opens doors that no one can close. That this next big step is a blessing to our family, Micah's dream, and to my Scentsy business.

We will keep you updated....

Doing it all..or not.

2012-01-23T22:05:00.003-06:00

Do you ever wonder how I do it all? Me too.

With homeschooling, working a home based business of almost 700 downline, travelling to different events, cooking, cleaning, being a wife, planning meals, along with SO much more on a daily basis...and now figuring out where we are going to live next...let me let you in on a little hint. I DON'T get it all done. Ever.

So there...the cat is out of the bag. Never do I get all the work I want to get done in one day. Never do I get all the schooling and/or reading I want to get done in a day. Never do I spend enough time with my husband or each kid. Never do I clean enough, cook the best meals, discipline accurately or any of the other things that go along with life...nope. I don't. And I am finally getting to the point where that is okay.

I just have to figure out what the "rocks" are and what the "sand" is. Have you ever seen the illustration of trying to fit a handful of large rocks and a large cup full of sand into a container. If you put the sand in first...the rocks won't fit. But if you put the rocks in first...the sand can all fit. What does this mean? Put the important things first...then fill in the rest. I am a work in progress on this, and I think in different seasons the rocks are different. But I do know some of them are always the same. God, my husband, my kids, my faith, my work, and the kids school. They always have to happen...daily. And sometimes they don't look like what they are. Like take school for instance...sometimes its the boys outside helping daddy cut down trees and build a fence while Journey helps me make lunch. That my friends is school. It's not always textbooks and computers...sometimes its legos and stories. But they are always learning.

And work, sometimes its sending emails, planning the next meeting, or just making a few phone calls. And other days its hours on end...but something gets done each day to keep my business growing. Do I wish I could do more? usually...but in this season of my life, I have to remember WHY I chose to be a Scentsy Consultant and work from home. The reason is because I get to spend 24-7 with those people who are the most important to me that many cannot due to time constraints of school and work. We are blessed and I am thankful. Do we always get along? Um, no. Do we have the perfect life...not really. Do we fight, yes. But they are learning how to love, give grace, forgive, deal with different personalities and ages, and how to do this thing called life.

So next time you wonder, how does she do it all? Now you know, I don't. And that is okay.

It's time to get back on here....

2012-01-22T23:00:00.003-06:00

It has been almost 5 years since I have been on here and wow, has time changed. Everything is new. Everything is different. Thank the Lord.

I also decided to change the name of this blog to "Continually Seeking Him" as that is what I strive to do daily. Do I always? No. Do I always want to? No. Do I always need to? Yes. So that is my goal...to continually seek Him AND His strength.

I got the idea for this name from my new favorite verse:

1 Chronicles 16:11 "Search for the Lord and His strength; continually seek Him."

So yes, if you are reading this blog, it will be a blog about Jesus. I am not politically correct, nor do I aim to please others. I live for an audience of One. And his name is Jesus Christ. He has changed me, saved me, and continually works within me to make me more like Him. Without Him I am nothing...so I will not hold back nor worry about offending anyone by telling it like it is.

In saying that, I am excited to be blogging again. I feel that my life and the struggles I have gone through will help others that are struggling. I do not claim to have all the answers, nor would I want to, but I do have experience and a love to share.

As I start blogging again, I will share in the struggles I have gone through in the last 34 years of my life, as well as all the blessings the Lord has shared. I strive to share the Lord's love with you, because if you have not experienced it...wow...are you in for a treat :)

Speaking of, another one of my favorite verses is:

1 Chronicles 16:23-24 NLT

Let the whole earth sing to the LORD!

Each day proclaim the good news that he saves.

Publish his glorious deeds among the nations.

Tell everyone about the amazing things he does.

So that is my mission. Every day proclaim the good news that He saves. He redeemed me by grace, and changed my heart from stone to a heart of love. I thought I knew what love was, but man was I wrong. I had no idea. Now...I do. And because of His love, I am able to love others, even those I would sometimes call unloveable...including myself.

So...I hope you will join me on this journey of blogging. I feel the calling, now I pray I obey.

Talk to you soon :)

K...It's official....

2008-12-26T22:50:00.002-06:00

It's been WAY too long since I have been on here! What is my deal??!!
Well, first of all, I have been way too busy for my own good. 2 older kids are in school now (praying that stops soon!!!) and the 2 little ones are home with me, well some of the time. I now clean houses to help generate income, so they stay at Bobbi's house a couple days a week. Elijah isn't doing well with the transition. First, his Noah goes to school all day and now his mom drops him at a friends?? He is so not cool with it. Breaks my heart. I really wish things were back to "normal"...all my kids home, everyday.
But for some reason, they are not. So..I P.U.S.H - Pray Until Something Happens. Either God to change the situation, or God to change my heart. I know He will do one or the other and for now, I pray he brings my kids back home.
Its Christmas break right now, so they are all home together for 2 weeks. Its chaos again and I LOVE it...in a strange way. It just feels right. Like this is the way its supposed to be. Even through the fights, the loudness, the sibling issues, the messes...they are all here with each other, as I believe God wants them. So...I pray that this last week of Christmas break is extra special. That I let the dishes pile up for a bit, let the dust sit on the shelf, and that I enjoy my kids...and I may need some knee pads from the scores of prayers going up to bring them back home for good.

SORRY!

2008-10-15T15:38:00.002-05:00

Sorry I have not been posting the Love Dare days. Micah is out of town on work so it makes the dares difficult, if not impossible some days. So until he returns, I will be on break from posting. So if you are doing the dare with me, I encourage you to do as I am and re-read the days we have done and concentrate on those things until we start up again. And, of course, keep praying for each other :)

DAY 9 - LOVE MAKES GOOD IMPRESSIONS

2008-10-10T22:52:00.004-05:00

DAY 9

LOVE MAKES GOOD IMPRESSIONS

1 Peter 5:14 "Greet one another with a kiss of love."

You've covered some serious ground so far in this journey. Learning to demonstrate aspects of love like patience, kindness, and encouragement are not always easy but are certainly crucial to a healthy relationship. So dealing with the way you greet your spouse each day may seem inconsequential, but this small issue carries surprising significance.

You can tell a lot about the state of a couple's relationship from the way they greet one another. You can see it in their expression and countenance, as well as how they speak to each other. It is even more obvious by their physical contact. But how much importance should you give a greeting?

The bible has more to say about greetings then you might expect. The apostle Paul took time to encourage his readers to greet one another warmly when they met. In fact, near the end of his letter to the Romans, he asked fellow believers to greet 27 of his friends and loved ones for him. He even took the time to list each one by name.

Its not just about your friends, however. Jesus noted in His Sermon on the Mount that even pagans speak kindly to people they like. But He took it a step further and said that being godly included being humble and gracious enough to address even your enemies with kindness.

This raises an interesting question. How do you greet your friends, coworkers, neighbors, and acquaintances and those you meet in public? You may even meet someone you don't necessarily like yet still acknowledge them out of courtesy. So if you're this nice and polite to those people, doesn't your spouse deserve the same? Times ten?

Its probably something you don't think about very often - the first thing you say to him when you wake up in the morning, the look on your face when you get in the car, the energy in your voice when you speak on the phone. But here's something else you probably don't stop to consider - the difference it would make in your husband's day if everything about you expressed the fact that your really, really glad to see them.

When someone communicates that they are glad to see you, your personal sense of self-worth increases. You feel more important and valued. That's because a good greeting sets the stage for positive and healthy interaction. Like love, it puts wind in your sails.

Think back to the story Jesus told of the prodigal son. This young, rebellious man demanded his inheritance money and then wasted it on a foolish lifestyle. But soon his bad choices caught up with him, and he found himself eating scraps in a pigpen. Humbled and ashamed, he practiced his apologies and tried to think of the best way to go home and face his father. But the greeting he was expecting was not the one he received. "While he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion for him, and ran and embraced him and kissed him" (Luke 15:20).

Of all the scenarios this young man had played out in his mind, this was the likely the last one he expected. But how do you think it made him feel to receive his father's embrace and hear his thankful tone? He no doubt felt loved and treasured once again. What do you think it did in their relationship?

What kind of greeting would make your husband feel like that? How could you excite his various senses with a simple word, a touch, a tone of voice? A loving greeting can bless your husband through what they seem, hear, and feel.

Think of the opportunities you have to greet each other on a regular basis. When coming through the door. When meeting for lunch. When saying good night. When talking on the phone.

It doesn't have to be bold and dramatic every time. But adding warmth and enthusiasm gives you the chance to touch your husband's heart in subtle, unspoken ways.

Think about your greeting. Do you use it well? Does your husband feel valued and appreciated? Does he feel loved? Even when you're not getting along too well, you can lessen the tension and give them value by the way you greet them.

Remember, love is a choice. So choose to change your greeting. Choose to love.

TODAY'S DARE:

Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your husband today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them.

JOURNAL QUESTIONS:

When and where did you choose to do your special greeting? How will you change your greeting from this point on?

DAY 8 - LOVE IS NOT JEALOUS

2008-10-09T22:39:00.002-05:00

DAY 8

LOVE IS NOT JEALOUS

Song of Solomon 8:6 "Love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like a blazing fire."

Jealousy is one of the strongest drives known to man. There are actually two forms: a legitimate jealousy based upon love, and an illegitimate jealousy based upon envy. Legitimate jealousy sparks when someone you love, who belongs to you, turns his or her heart away and replaces you with someone else. If a wife has an affair and gives herself to another person, her husband may have a justified, jealous anger because of his love for her. He is longing to have back what is rightfully his.
The Bible describes God as having this kind of righteous jealousy for His people. It's not that he is envious of us, wishing He has what we have (since He already owns everything). It's that He deeply longs for us, desiring for us to keep Him as our first love. He doesn't want us to let anything take precedence over Him in our hearts. The Bible warns us not to worship anything but Him because "the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God" (Deut 4:24)
With this established, we will shift our focus to the illegitimate kind of jealousy that is in oppositition to love - the one that is rooted in selfishness. This is to be jealous of someone, to be "moved with envy."
Jealousy is a common struggle. Is is sparked when someone else upstages you and gets something you want. This can be very painful depending upon how selfish you are. If you're not careful, jealousy slithers like a viper into your heart and strikes your motivations and relationships. It can poison you from living the life of love God intended.
If you don't diffuse your anger by learning to love others, you may eventually begin plotting against them. The Bible says that envy leads to fighting, quarreling, and every evil thing (James 3:16, 4:1-2).
You don't usually get jealous of disconnected strangers. The ones you're tempted to be jealous of are primarily in the same arena with you. They work in your office, play in your league, run in your circles...or live in your house. Yes, if you aren't careful, jealousy can also infect your marriage.
When you were married, you were given the role of becoming your husband's biggest cheerleader and the captain of his fan club. Both of you became one and were to share in the enjoyment of the other. But if selfishness rules, any good thing happening to only one of you can be a catalyst for envy rather than congratulations.
He may be enjoying golf on the weekend while you stays home cleaning the house. He boasts to you about shooting a great score and you feel like shooting him! Or perhaps you are constantly invited to go out with friends while he is left home with the dog. If he's not careful, he can resent your popularity.
Because love is not selfish and puts others first, it refuses to let jealousy in. Its leads you to celebrate the successes of your husband rather than resenting them. A loving husband doesn't mind his wife being better at something, having more fun, or getting more applause. He sees her as completing him, not competing with him.
When he receives praise, he publicaly thanks her for her support in aiding his own success. He refuses to brag in such a way that may cause her to resent him. A loving wife will be the first to cheer for her man when he wins. She does not compare her weaknesses to his strengths. She throws a celebration, not a pity party.
It is time to let love, humility, and gratefulness destroy any jealousy that springs up in your heart. It's time to let your husband's success draw you closer together and give you greater opportunities to show genuine love.

TODAY'S DARE:

Determine to become your husband's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your heart on your husband and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your husband how glad you are about a success he recently enjoyed.

JOURNAL QUESTIONS:

How hard was it to destroy the list? What are some positive experiences that you can celebrate in the life of your husband? How can you encourage him toward future successes?

DAY 7 - LOVE BELIEVES THE BEST

2008-10-06T13:26:00.003-05:00

DAY 7

LOVE BELIEVES THE BEST!

1 Cor 13:7 " Love believes all things, hopes all things."

In the deep and private corridors of your heart, there is a room, it's called the Appreciation Room. It's where your thoughts go when you encounter positive and encouraging things about your husband. And every so often, you enjoy visiting this special place.

On the walls are written kind words and phrases describing the good attributes of your husband. They are things that you've discovered about your husband that have embedded themselves in your memory. When you think about these things, your appreciation for him begins to increase. In fact, the more time you spend meditating on these positive attributes, the more grateful you are for your husband.

Most things written in the room where likely written in the early stages of your relationship. You could summarize them as the things you liked and respected about your loved one. And you spend a great deal of time dwelling on them in this room...before you were married. But you may have found that you don't visit this special room as often as you once did. That's because there is another competing room nearby.

Down another darker corridor of your heart lies the Depreciation Room, and unfortunately, you visit there as well. On its walls are written things that bother and irritate you about your husband. These things were placed there out of frustration, hurt feelings, and the disappointment of unmet expectations.

This room is lined with the weakness and failures of your husband - their bad habits, hurtful words, and poor decisions are written in large letters that cover the walls from one end to the other. If you stay in this room long enough, you get depressed and start expressing things like, "My wife is so selfish" or "My husband can be such a jerk." Or maybe, "I think I married the wrong person."

Some people write very hateful things in this room, where tell off statements are rehearsed for the next argument. Emotional injuries fester here, adding more scathing remarks to the walls. It's where ammunition is kept for the next big fight and bitterness is allowed to spread like a disease. People fall out of love here.

But know this. Spending time in the Depreciation Room kills marriages. Divorces are plotted in this room and violent plans are schemed. The more time you spend in this place, the more your heart devalues your husband. It begins the moment you walk in the door, and you care for them lessens with every second that ticks by.

You may say, "But these things are true!" Yes, but so are the things in the Appreciation Room. Everyone fails and has areas that need growth. Everyone has unresolved issues, hurts, and personal baggage. This is a sad aspect of being human. We have all sinned. But we have this unfortunate tendency to downplay our own negative attributes while putting our husband's failures under a magnifying glass.

Let's get down to the real issue here. Love knows about the Depreciation Room and does not live in denial that it exists. But love chooses not to live there.

You must decide to stop running to this room and lingering there after every frustrating event in your relationship. It does you no good and drains the joy out of your marriage.

Love chooses to believe the best about people. It gives them the benefit of the doubt. It refuses to fill in the unknowns with negative assumptions. And when our worst hopes are proven to be true, love makes every effort to deal with them and move forward. As much as possible, love focuses on the positive.

It's time to start thinking differently. It's time to let love lead your thoughts and your focus. The only reason you should glance at the door of the Deprecation Room is to know how to pray for your husband. And the only reason you should ever go in this room is to write "COVERED IN LOVE" in huge letters across the walls.

It's time to move into the Appreciation Room, to settle down and make it your home. As you choose to meditate on the positives, you will learn that many more wonderful character qualities could be written across these walls. Your husband is a living, breathing, endless book to read. Dreams and hopes have yet to be realized. Talents and abilities may be discovered like hidden treasure. But the choice to explore them starts with a decision by you.

You must develop the habit of reining in your negative thoughts and focusing on the positive attributes of your husband. This is a crucial step as you learn to lead your heart to truly love your husband. It is a decision that you make, whether they deserve it or not.

TODAY'S DARE:

For today's dare, get two sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your husband. Then to the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your husband for having this characteristic.

JOURNAL QUESTIONS:

Which list was easier to make?

What did this reveal about your thoughts?

What attribute did you thank your spouse for having?

On break....

2008-10-04T22:41:00.002-05:00

The LOVE DARE will resume Monday :) Micah went out of town for work, so I am taking a break until he returns....I pray everyone is enjoying reading these and some of you are taking the dare challenge as well!!

DAY 6 - LOVE IS NOT IRRITABLE

2008-10-02T22:47:00.002-05:00

DAY 6

LOVE IS NOT IRRITABLE

Proverbs 16:32 "He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city."

Love is hard to offend and quick to forgive. How easily do you get irritated and offended? To be irritable means "to be near the point of a knife." Not far from being poked. People who are irritable are locked, loaded, and ready to overreact.
When under pressure, love doesn't turn sour. Minor problems don't yield major reactions. The truth is, love does not get angry or hurt unless there is a legitimate and just reason in the sight of God. A loving husband will remain calm and patient, showing mercy and restraining his temper. A loving wife is not overly sensitive or cranky but exercises emotional self-control.
If you are walking under the influence of love, you will be a joy, not a jerk. Ask yourself, "Am I a calming breeze, or a storm waiting to happen?" Why do people become irritable? There are at least two key reasons that contribute to it:
Stress. Stress weighs you down, drains your energy, weakens your health, and invites you to be cranky. It can be brought on by relational causes: arguing, division, and bitterness. There are excessive causes: overworking, overplaying, adn overspending. And there are deficiencies: not getting enough rest, nutrition, or exercise. Oftentimes we inflict these daggers on ourselves, and this sets us up to be irritable.
Life is a marathon, not a sprint. This means you must balance, prioritize, and pace yourself. The bible can help you avoid unhealthy stress. It teaches to to let love guide your relationships so you aren't caught up in unnecessary arguments (col 3:12-14). To pray through your anxieties instead of tackling them on your own (Phil 4:6-7). To delegate when you are overworked (Exodus 18:17-23). To avoid overindulgence (Prov 25:16). It also exhorts you to take a "Sabbath" vacation day each week for worship and rest. This strategically allows you time to recharge, refocus, and add breathing room or margin to your weekly schedule. Establishing these kinds of extra spaces will place cushions between you and the pressures around you, reducing the stress that keeps you on edge around your husband. But there is a deeper reason that you can become irritable-

Selfishness. When you're irritable, the heart of the problem is primarily a problem of the heart. Some people are like lemons: when life squeezes them, they pour out a sour response. Some are like peaches: when the pressure is on, the result is still sweet. Being easily angered is an indicator that a hidden area of selfishness or insecurity is present where love is supposed to fule. But selfishness also wears other masks:
Lust, for example, is the result of being ungrateful for what you have and choosing to covet or burn with passion for what is forbidden. When you heart is lustful, it will become easily frustrated and angered (James 4:1-3) Bitterness takes root when you respond in a judgemental way and refuse to work through your anger. A bitter person's unresolved anger leaks out when he is provoked (Eph 4:31). Greed for more money and possessions will frustrate you with unfilfilled desires (1 Tim 6:9-10). These strong cravings coupled with dissatisfaction lead you to lash out at anyone who stands in your way. Pride leads you to act harshly in order to protect your ego and reputation.
These motivations can never be satisfied. But when love enters your heart, it calms you down and inspires you to quit focusing on yourself. It loosens your grasp and helps you to let go of unnecessary things. Love will lead you to forgive instead of holding a grudge. To be grateful instead of greedy. To be content rather than rushing into more debt. Love encourages you to be happy when someone else succeeds rather than lying awake at night in envy. Love says "share the inheritance" rather than "fight withyour relatives". It reminds you to prioritize your family rather than sacrifice them for a promotion at work. It each decision love ultimately lowers your stress and helps you release the venom that can build up inside. It then sets up your heart to respond to your husband with patience and encouragement rather than anger and exasperation.

TODAY'S DARE:

Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation.

Begin by making a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule.

Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.

JOURNAL QUESTIONS:

Where do you need to add margin to your life?

When have you recently overreacted?

What was your real motivation behind it?

What decisions have you made today?

DAY 5 - LOVE IS NOT RUDE

2008-10-01T21:05:00.004-05:00

DAY 5

LOVE IS NOT RUDE

Proverbs 27:14 "He who besses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be reckoned a curse to him."

Nothing irritates others as quickly as being rude. Rudeness is unecessarily saying or doing things that are unpleasant for another person to be around. To be rude is to act unbecoming, embarassing, or irritating. In a marriage this could be a foul mouth, poor table manners, or a habit of making sarcastic comments. It may seem insignificant to the person doing it, but it's unpleasant to those on the receiving end.

As always, love has somthing to say about this. When a man is driven by love, he intentionally behaves in a way that's more pleasant for his wife to be around. If she desires to love him, she puposefully avoids things that frustrate him or cause him discomfort.

The bottom line is that genuine love minds its manners. Good manners says to your husband, "I value you enough to exercise some self-control around you. I want to be a person who's a pleasure to be with." When you allow love to change your behavior, even in the smallest of ways, you restore an atmosphere of honor to your relationship.

For the most part, the etiquette you use at home is much different than the kind you employ with friends, or even with total strangers. You may be barking or pouting around the house, but if the front door chimes, you open it all smiling and kind. Yet if you dare to love, you'll also want to give your best to your own. If you don't let love motivate you to make needed changes in your behavior, the quality of your marriage relationiship will suffer for it.

Women tend to be much better at certain types of manners than men, though they can be rude in other ways. King Solomon said, "Better to live on a corner of a roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife" (Prov. 25:24)

There are two main reasons why people are rude: ignorance and selfishness. A child is born ignorant of etiquette, needing lots of help and training. Adults, however, display their ignorance at another level. You know the rules, but you can be blind to how you break them or be too self-centered to care. In fact, you may not realize how unpleasant you can be to live with.

Test yourself with these questions:

How does your husband feel about the way you speak and act around them?
How does your behavior affect your husband's sense of worth and self-esteem?
Would your husband say you're a blessing, or that you're condescending and embarassing?

If you're thinking that your husband, not you, is the one who needs work in this area, your likely suffering from a bad case of ignorance, with a secondary condition of selfishness. Do you wish your husband would stop doing things that bother you? Then it's time to stop doing the things that bother them. Will you be thoughtful and loving enough to discover and avoid the behavior that causes life to be unpleasant for your husband? Will you dare to be delightful?

Here are three guiding principals when it comes to practicing etiquette in your marriage:

Guard the Golden Rule. Treat your mate the same way you want to be treated. (see Luke 6:31)
No double standards. Be as considerate to your spouse as you are to stangers and coworkers.
Honor requests. Consider what your husband already asked you to do or not do. If in doubt, then ask.

TODAY'S DARE:

Ask your husband to tell you three things that cause him to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only.

JOURNAL QUESTIONS:

What things did your spouse point out about you that need your attention?

How did you handle hearing it?

What do you plan to do to improve these areas?

DAY 4 - LOVE IS THOUGHTFUL

2008-09-30T22:02:00.002-05:00

Okay, girls, today is long.....I couldn't summarize much, its almost word for word of the chapter - it was so good, I couldn't omit hardly any of it!

DAY 4

LOVE IS THOUGHTFUL

Psalm 139:17-18 "How precious also are Your thoughts to me...How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand."

Love thinks. It's not a mindless feeling that rides on waves of emotion and falls asleep mentally. It keeps busy in thought, knowing that loving thoughts precede loving actions.
When you first fell in love, being thoughtful came naturally. But for most couples, things begin to change after marriage. The wife finally has her man; the husband has his trophy. The hunt is over and the pursuing done. Sparks of romance slowly burn into grey embers and the motivation for thoughtfulness cools. You drift into focusing on other things; career, kids, friends, yourself, etc. After a while you unintentionally begin to ignore the needs of your husband.
If you don't learn to be thoughtful, you end up regretting missed opportunities to demonstrate love. Thoughtlessness is a silent enemy to a loving relationship.
Let's be honest. Men struggle with thoughtfulness more than women. A man can focus like a laser on one thing and forget the rest of the world. This can benefit him in that one area, but can make him overlook other things that need his attention.
Women on the other hand are more multi-conscious and able to maintain an amazing awareness of many factors at once. They can talk on the phone, cook, know where the kids are in the house, and wonder why the husband isn't helping...all simultaneously. Adding to this, a woman also thinks relationally so when she works on something, she is cognizant of all the people who are somehow connected to it.
Both of these tendencies are examples of how God designed women to complete men (Gen 2:18). But these differences also create opportunities for misunderstanding.
Men, for example, tend to think in headlines and say exactly what they mean. Not much is needed to understand their message. His words are literal and don't need to be overanalyzed. But women think and speak between the lines. They tend to hint. A man often has to listen for what is implied if he wants to get the full meaning.
If a couple doesn't understand this about one another, the fallout can result in endless disagreements. He's frustrated wondering why she speaks in riddles and doesnt just come out and say things and she's frustrated wondering why he's so inconsiderate and doesn't add two and two together and just figure it out.
A woman deeply longs for her husband to be thoughtful, it is a key to helping her feel loved. When she speaks, a wise man will listen like a detective to discover the unspoken needs and desires her words imply. If however, she always has to put the pieces together for him, it steals the opportunity for him to demonstrate that he loves her.
This also explains why women get upset with their husbands without telling him why. In her mind she's thinking: "I shouldn't have to spell it out for him. He should be able to look at the situation and see what's going on here. At the same time, he's grieved because he can't read her mind and wonders why he's being punished for a crime he didn't know he committed.
Love requires thoughtfullness - on both sides - the kind that builds bridges through the constructive combination of patience, kindness, and selflessness. Love teaches you how to meet in the middle, to respect and appreciate how your husband uniquely thinks. A husband should listen to his wife and learn to be considerate of her unspoken messages. A wife should learn to communicate truthfully and not say one thing while meaning another. The thoughtful nature of love teaches you to engage your mind before engaging your lips. Love thinks before speaking. It filters words through a grid of truth and kindness.
When was the last time you spent a few minutes thinking about how you could better understand and demonstrate love to your spouse? What immediate need can you meet? What's the next event (anniv, birthday, holiday) that you could be preparing for? Great marriages come from great thinking.

TODAY'S DARE:

Contact your husband sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he is doing and if there is anything you can do for him.

JOURNAL QUESTIONS:

What did you learn about yourself or your husband by doing this today?

How could this become a more natural, routine, and genuinely helpful part of your lifestyle?

DAY 3 - Love is not selfish.

2008-09-29T21:13:00.003-05:00

DAY 3:

LOVE IS NOT SELFISH

Romans 12:10 "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor."

The culture around us teaches us to focus on our appearance, feelings, and personal desires as the top priority. The goal, it seems, is to chase the highest level of happiness possible. The danger from this kind of thinking, however, becomes painfully apparent once inside a marriage relationship.

If there ever were a word that basically means the opposite of love, its selfishness and its something that is ingrained into every person from birth. Its a trait we hate in other people but justify in ourselves. Why do we have such low standards for ourselves but high expectations for our husband? The answer is a painful pill to swallow. We are all selfish.

When a wife constantly complains about the time and energy she spends meeting the needs of her husband thats a sign of selfishness. But love "does not seek its own" (1 Cor 13:5). Loving couples - the ones who are enjoying the full purpose of marriage - are bent on taking good care of the other flawed human they get to share life with because true love looks for ways to say "yes".

The bottom line is that you either make decisions out of love for others or love for yourself. You can't be acting out of real love and selfishness at the same time. Choosing to love your mate will cause you to say "no" to what you want so you can say "yes" to what they need. That's putting the happiness of your partner above your own. It doesn't mean you can never experience happiness, but you don't negate the happiness of your spouse so you can enjoy it yourself.

Love also leads to inner joy. When you proritize the well-being of your husband, there is a resulting fulfillment that cannot be duplicated by selfish actions. This is a benefit that God created and reserves for those who genuinely demonstrate love. The truth is, when you relinquish your rights for the sake of your husbad, you get a chance to lose yourself to the greater purpose of marriage.

Nobody knows you as well as your husband and that means no one will be quicker to recognize a change when you deliberately start sacrificing your wants and wishes to make sure his needs are met.

Whether you like it or not, you have a reputation in the eyes of those around you, especially in the eyes of your husband. But is it a loving reputation? Remember, your husband also has the challenge of loving a selfish person. So determine to be the first to demonstrate real love to them, with your eyes wide open. And when all is said and done, you'll both be more fulfilled.

Phil 2:3 "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves"

TODAY'S DARE:

Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments (again!), buy your husband something that says, "I was thinking about you today."

JOURNAL QUESTIONS:

What did you choose to give your husband?

What happened when you gave it?

The Love Dare - Day 2!

2008-09-28T21:00:00.007-05:00

DAY 2:

LOVE IS KIND

Ephesians 4:32 "Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Kindness is love in action. If patience is how love reacts in order to minimize a negative circumstance, kindness is how love acts to maximize a positive circumstance. Patience avoids a problem; kindness creates a blessing. One is preventative, the other proactive. These two sides of love are the cornerstones on which many of the other attributes we will discuss are built.
When you are kind, people want to be around you. They see you as being good to them and good for them. The bible keys in on the importance of kindness (Proverbs 3:3-4).
Let's break kindness down into four basic core ingredients:
Gentleness: When your operating from kindness, you're careful how you treat your spouse, never being unnecessarily harsh. You're sensitive, tender, even if you need to say hard things, you try to make it as easy to hear as possible. You speak truth in love.
Helpfullness: Being kind means you meet the needs of the moment. Kindness graces a wife with the ability to serve her husband without worrying about her rights.
Willingness: Kindness inspires you to be agreeable. You stay flexible. Rather than complaining and making excuses, you look for reasons to comprimise and accommodate. Listen first rather than demand your way.
Initiative: Kindness thinks ahead, then takes the first step. It doesn't sit around waiting to be prompted or coerced before getting off the couch. The kind spouse will be the one who greets first, smiles first, serves first, and forgives first. They don't require the other to get his or her act together before showing love. When acting from kindness, you see the need, then make your move. First.

The bible describes a woman whose husband and children bless and praise her. Among her noble attributes are these: "She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue." (Proverbs 31:26) How about you? How would your husband describe you on the kindness meter? How harsh are you? How gentle and helpful? Do you wait to be asked, or do you take the initiative to help? Don't wait for your spouse to be kind first.

It is difficult to demonstrate love when you feel little to no motivation. But love in its truest sense is not based on feelings. Rather, love determines to show thoughtful actions even when there seems to be no reward. You will never learn to love until you learn to demonstrate kindness.

TODAY'S DARE:

In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do atleast one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.

Journal Questions:

What discoveries about love did you make today?

What specifically did you do in this dare?

How did you show kindness?

The Love Dare - a 40 day journey - JOIN ME!

2008-09-27T21:29:00.003-05:00

I wanted to share with you all about a journey I am embarking on starting today. Its a 40 day journey involving my marriage. I got the book, The Love Dare (used in the movie, Fireproof) and today is day 1. Each day you read a couple pages describing a part of unconditional love, then there is a dare, then you answer some questions about how the dare went. At the beginning of the book it states something that is revolutionary for me and wanted to share it with you.
"Be sure of this: it will take courage. If you accept this dare, you must take the view that instead of following your heart, you are choosing to lead it. The world says to follow your heart, but if you are not leading it, then someone or somthing else is. The Bible says that "The heart is more deceitful than all else" (Jeremiah 17:9), and it will always pursue that which feels right at the moment. We dare you to think differently - choosing instead to lead your heart toward that which is best in the long run. This is a key to lasting, fulfilling relationships."

I have an accountability partner helping me to stay on track and to finish the 40 days, because I have a feeling it will get harder before it gets easier. So please pray for this journey with me. Pray it truly changes my heart...and in turn changes my marriage.

Each day I am going to try and get on and post a summarized version of that days reading, along with the dare and the questions to journal about...so join in on the DARE if you ...dare :)

DAY 1:

LOVE IS PATIENT.

Ephesians 4:2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

Love works. We are born with a lifelong thirst for love. No marriage is successful without it. Love it built on two pillars that best define what it is. Those pillars are patience and kindness. All other characteristics of love are extensions of these two attributes. And that's where your dare will begin. With patience.
When you choose to be patient, you respond in a positive way to a negative situation. You are slow to anger. Patience brings an internal calm during an external storm.
No one likes to be around an impatient person. It causes you to overreact in angry, foolish, and regrettable ways. The irony of anger toward a wrongful action is that it spawns new wrongs of its own. But patience stops problems in their tracks. Patience is a deep breath. It clears the air. Its a choice to control your emotions rather than allowing your emotions to control you.
Patience makes us wise, it doesn't rush to judgement but listens to what the other person is saying. Patience stands in the doorway where anger is clawing to burst in, but waits to see the whole picture before passing judgement. As sure as a lack of patience will turn your home into a war zone, the practice of patience will foster peace and quiet. (Proverbs 14:29, 15:18) Patience is where love meets wisdom.
Patience gives your spouse permission to be human. It understands that everyone fails. It gives you the ability to hold on during the tough times in your relationship rather than bailing out under pressure.
What would the tone and volume of your home be like if you tried this biblical approach: "See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after which is good for one another" (1 Thess 5:15)
Few of us do patience very well and none of us do it naturally. But wise men and women will pursue it as an essential ingredient to their marriage relationships. The Love Dare journey is a process, and the first thing you must resolve to possess is patience. Think of it as a marathon not a sprint. But its a race worth running.

TODAY'S DARE:

The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It's better to hold your tongue than to say something you will regret.

JOURNAL QUESTIONS:

Did anything happen today to cause anger toward your mate?

Were you tempted to think disapproving thoughts and to let them come out in words?

The rest of the F-U-N!!!

2008-09-05T12:27:00.002-05:00

Ok, so we found the rest of our fun pages!!! Here they are!!!

We were the first ones in the convention center Saturday morning - the FIRST ones besides the volunteers - used the "I gotta pee" excuse. Bobbi is a liar pants and snuck us in! So we were 2nd row, aisle seat where Beth walked by :)

We saw a store in San Antonio by the mexican restaurant that said "BHARMACY" on the 2 awnings...why a B not a P??

So we totally partially stole a honey bear from a mexican restaurant where we ate saupapilas (sp?)!

Gil: "So you know alot about cups, huh?" Bobbi: "Yes, I do....Carlisle cups."
Why such a short straw for a long cup?? Gil: "So, you know alot about straws, huh?"
Stef: "So you know alot about paintings, huh?"

No Sunny D Fool! We wanted real OJ at the continental breakfast!

Our pool was olympic size...no really, it was! Ok, it was like 3 feet by 5 feet lol. Thats it. Like a bathtub.

The Alamo---aka Jack. We totally took drive by pictures of Jack.

Sports bar and adult entertainment - all in one! Woo hoo...lol.

Andrea: No really Bobbi, its a form of emotional abuse. Really, its is.

I love having Happy Road Rage with Andrea and Gill!!! Freaked the other cars out :)

Free lemonade with 4 lbs of fudge at the Fudgery - YUM!!!!

Why are all the walmarts AFTER the exits??? We just needed to get to one without turning bass ackwards for 30 minutes!!!

Ok, ready to do the trip again :)

7 Pages of F-U-N!!!!

2008-08-30T23:38:00.004-05:00

Beth and her two daughters at the blogger q and a after the convention saturday.

Bobbi and I with the view of the stage in our second row seats!

The view behind us Friday night

Beth praying right next to us on the floor Saturday morning.

One side of my painted up van going to Texas.

Bobbi and I in the hotel room :)

The girls we met Friday night and then sat with Saturday morning. They were so sweet and FUN!

So, last weekend, Bobbi and I headed out of OKC to San Antonio, TX to see Beth Moore! It was SO FUN!!! We were VERY sad that our other BFF Donna could not join us!! But we did have fun and wanted to post some of our pics and some of our 7 pages of fun we journalized! Here are the first 3 pages....

1. 5:30am - the man on Kiss FM talking about his space mom. He said he was 5 eons millions years old, basically he has always existed. He said that his space mom was thrown down for mistreating him a long time ago and he went and got her out recently. They had margaritas last week. She doesn't have a name, he just calls her mom and she and his earth mom get along great. Then he said he was going to hospital that day. He had an appointment to get adjusted. Said he doesn't deal with reality well. We CRACKED up!!

2. We stopped at McDs and quickly realized that as white women we were minority, both for being white, and for being women!

3. 3 words - REAL BEEF JERKY

4. Why did Bobbi think I NEEDED to see her eyelid pores while I am driving, and then I nearly hit the barrier??

5. We saw the sign "Begin Now", so...we Began.

6. NO TRUCKS LEFT LANE. NONE.

7. 80's rock....love it and it NEEDS to make a comeback!

8. What is up with the law breaking grass drivers?? People in Texas do not want to wait in traffic, so they just drive in the grass and go over to the service road. Law breakers.

9. Why was the truck driver brushing his teeth while driving?

10. We need to know why the lady in the bathroom was SO angry? We knocked, she said someones in here. So we wait, well another man goes up and tries to open the door, again she says someones in here, so he leaves. When she comes out, she only sees us and says, "I SAID JUST A SECOND! YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT JUST LIKE I DID! IT DOESN'T DO ANY GOOD TO WIGGLE THE HANDLE IF SOMEONE'S IN THERE!". um...we didn't wiggle it. The man did. Why such a hater?!

11. In the same store it said on the coffee bean grinder, "Please Do'nt tuch."

12. Why do they do u-turns in the middle of the road?? law breakers. again.

13. So, we have to get off the highway because of traffic and Bobbi thinks we are lost. So we get to a toll booth and she screams at the lady, "Where the hell are we?!". She scared the toll booth lady.

More to come.....

Noah's precious heart....

2008-06-18T21:33:00.004-05:00

Tonight I told my kids about some things Shanna had told me about Africa. I was tired of them fighting over a pillow while I was reading Little House on the Prairie to them. The conversation went something like this...
"There are 87 kids in the orphanage in Africa and they don't have any mommys or daddys. They were all killed by a war. These kids only eat 1 bowl of rice for lunch and 1 bowl of porridge before bedtime each day and they only have 4 balls to share between them all...a soccer ball, a football, a volleyball, and a basketball. And not once did Shanna see any of the children fight or have a disagreement. Not once. Then one time, Shanna gave one of the boys a granola bar. One granola bar. And you know he had to be hungry from not eating much each day, but you know what he did with that granola bar? He broke it into little pieces and shared every piece then ate the small last piece himself. He sacrificed and shared something that was very precious to him."
The two little ones didn't really get it, or really care at the time. But Noah, it struck.
He told me that each Tuesday (we have been fasting with One Prayer) he wants to only eat rice and cream of wheat (closest thing to porridge we have lol). He also said he wants to go on a mission trip ASAP. I just love his heart. He will one day be a missionary, I just know it. But...then again, he hates being away from home.
So we laid in bed, after I put all the other kids to bed and talked about places that missionaries can go (through 4-HIM ministries) and what you would do and what a heart for Jesus really looks like. It was great. It was precious.
When I kissed him goodnight, he said "Mom, I want to actually try to only eat rice and cream of wheat tomorrow. I want to see what it is like." I told him to pray about it and he feels God is leading him to do that, that its fine with me. But it will be extremely hard and okay if he doesn't make it and decides to eat other foods.
Just the fact that he wants to and the fact that his heart is for those children is all that God cares about :) I can't wait to see what he is going to do for His Kingdom!!! Praise God for Noah and his beautiful heart!

My Pity Party

2008-06-10T21:38:00.001-05:00

Welcome to My Pity Party. Feel free to join in on the party, but if you don't feel like the things I am pittying myself for are worthy of a party, I ask you leave :) This party is only for those that want to join the "fun".

Now, Micah has been working in Norman for almost 4 weeks now. Its about 45 min away and we all know with gas prices, thats alot of driving. So he has been staying down there with a friend and coming home on weekends. Yes, I have been a single mom 90% of the time right now. And it sucks. Its hard. I give props to all the single moms out there.

So each day I get to do everything completely alone. At the crack of dawn, get up with the baby. Get up with the puppy (who has time for a puppy when you have 4 small kids at home 24-7?). Let him out. Change diapers on a baby who screams and rolls over the whole time. Can't have coffee, forgot creamer at store and do not want to go back with all the kids. Fun. Fix meals. Clean. Clean. Clean. Hang clothes out (our dryer is broke). Take 4 kids to dentist. Take 4 kids to McDs. Listen to baby cry cause he isn't big enough to crawl up with his siblings. Do school with Noah. Stop 5,000 fights between siblings. Spray mouths with vinager for rude talking. Spank bottoms for God knows what this time. Tell dog to shut up and get off couch, again. Clean up pee and poop from a 3 month old puppy. Clean up toilet paper rolls that have been shredded by the 3 month old puppy. Stop the puppy from nipping at the kids when he wants to play pver and over. Listen to a 13 month old scream and follow me around butt scooching and wanting me to pick him up constantly. Do dishes. Let dog out to pee...again and again. Answer another "but mom, whyyyyyyy" question from my 8 year old. Do another load of laundry and hang it to dry. Take kids to bank. Go to Walmart with 4 kids for necessities. Fight with the 4 kids at walmart that they cannot get a new toy, new shoes, gum, or play in the arcade. Take 4 kids to get hair cuts. Deal with the screaming fit of a 3 year old once again. Take kids swimming. Make sure 2 little ones don't drown. Put older kids in time out for running or pushing each other in or splashing me. Try to lay 13 month old down for nap while house is crazy. Sweep. Mop. Do more dishes. Make dinner. Clean up dinner. Clean up baby. Pay bills online. Get 4 kids bathed and dressed for bed. Discipline them for not listening, yet again. Try to read Little House on the Praire while J and E are jacking around pissing me off. Dog peed on suitcase. Don't care. Dog chewed up my bible study bag. Pissed. Dog chewed up 2 straw hats. Dont care. Clean highchair 4 times. Pick up 14,000 toys about 6 times a day. Ask kids "what were you thinking?" again when they do something I just don't understand. Clean toothpaste from all over the bathroom. Feed dog. Wipe up the slobbery drool 15 times that he leaves when he drinks water. Yuck. Dog chewed up Elijahs shoes. Don't care. He does though. Flick Elijahs mouth for talking rude to me again for the 17th time today. Put dog in crate and listen to him whine while I put 4 kids to bed who don't want to go to bed. Listening to the prayer of a 5 year old who asks God to bring her daddy home soon so we can be a "greater family". Pray for my mouth to be nicer to my kids, for my tolerance to be better, and for me not to go somewhere where straight jackets are the uniform. If I have time, take a quick shower. Go to bed alone. Pray there are no storms so I don't have a panic attack.

And remember, this is all in one day. When do I have time to breathe? To live? To worship? To be alone? To read my bible. I don't. Because even when kids are in bed, the house is yet a wreck again, must be cleaned, and the dog is still up and needs God knows what and is destroying God knows what. And my memory sucks so I know I forgot about 50,000 other things I did today. And did I mention we were fasting from sugar today and I need a damn piece of chocolate????!!

Tomorrow, I get to do it again.

Anyone want to join the party?

Disclaimer:
Normally, I enjoy my life. I enjoy staying home with my kids. I enjoy home schooling. I enjoy responsibility and doing many things for the family. But things are different right now. The kids behave differently when they don't have their daddy around. They change. I change. Its hard. They are frustrated, I am frustrated and its just hard. So, we are learning how to do life right now with the situation we are in. Its hard, but through all this crap, I thank God that Micah is working and that our needs are provided for. I thank God that my kids are healthy. That we have a home to clean. That we are blessed. But I still deserve a pity party once and a while :)

My husband...

2008-03-22T06:35:00.004-05:00

This has been a hard season for my husband and I, but I am going to stop and brag on him a bit :) I think God is showing me all the good and asking me to stop focusing on the bad. I seem to be a pessimist and I guess I didn't realize until recently. I don't want to be that person. I want to see light and joy in a situation and a person, instead of the crap. So, I must make a choice, until it comes more naturally, which I pray that the Holy Spirit will help do for me :)
So here is my brag...Micah is an amazing dad. Is he perfect? no. Does he mess up? yes. Does he love the kids? of course. Does he do the best he knows how? yes.
Lately I have realized that he does way more than I thought he did. I mean just in the last couple days, he has taken the kids to fish, to ride their 4 wheeler in the back field, to 2 hockey games, 2 jump on trampoline, to practice soccer in the backyard, and much more. And instead of praising him and thanking him, I complain about the times he sat and told them no. That is wrong and I need to change that. He really is an involved father and he works so hard everyday, phyically and mentally, that he does deserve a break sometimes.
The children LOVE when daddy does anything with them, its like a drug lol. I guess thats why I get hard on him if he isn't doing something with them all the time. Plus, my relationship with my father is far from perfect and I pray that my kids have a great relationship with him, especially our only little girl. Fathers can affect our little girls SO much, so I get worried if he doesn't spend enough time with her or praise her enough or if he gets onto her for something little...we are emotional and fragile at times and I want her to be the sparkle of daddys eye, and know it!
But I am realizing that the kids do feel this way, they know their daddy adores them, and if I would back off and relax it would all go alot smoother and more peaceful. So that is my prayer. To be thankful for a husband who loves to have fun with the kids, that he tries his very best to be a good and involved daddy, and that I need to appreciate all that he does instead of find any bad in any situation. How depressing...and not the way I want to live my life!
I encourage all of you to do the same....

Update on Jonathan!

2008-03-13T15:36:00.000-05:00

He is out of surgery now. Amy said the doctor said it went well. They found out that when Jonathon was born his intestine had a "flap" on it that was not known about. It would normally be open and at times would close, which would cause him to throw up, then would open up again. Well this time, it attached to the other side of the intestine causing a complete block. They removed the flap and he is in recovery. He should remain in hospital until Sunday, possibly Monday. He will be very tender and sore. So please pray for his healing and the pain and for Amy and Josh to rest as well. This last week has been very difficult for them, emotionally and physically.

PRAY!!!!!!!

2008-03-12T23:42:00.002-05:00

Please pray for Jonathon Newberry, Amy's 2 year old son. He has been in the hospital since Sunday is having issues with his lower GI. He may be going to surgery tonight. PLEASE pray for him, for the doctors, for Amy and Josh, and anyone else involved. This little boy needs comfort, peace, healing and to go back home soon...as well as his family.

no house still.....

2008-03-10T08:51:00.002-05:00

Just an update on the house situation. We still have no financing. Its frustrating. We pay our bills, we are trustworthy, but no one will give us the money, well not enough and we don't have 20% in our pockets. So, unless a miracle happens, which I fully believe can, we are not getting the house.

Its' official....

2008-03-07T15:45:00.002-06:00

I think I have lost complete control of my kids. Its official. I remember why I don't take them all anywhere except McDonalds.
Today, I had to take a trip to the bank and could not find anyone to babysit my kids, so they went with me. It was probably one of the stupidest things I have done in a while. I am in a season where I just should not attempt things like this.
Its hard for kids to be good in places like that. Its quiet, so they want to be loud. Its empty, so they want to run around. Its new so they wan to conquer it. It was stupid.
They weren't running around knocking stuff down or anything, just being kids, in a bank. If they were outside, their behavior would have been completely fine. Or at home. But not at a bank.
so I will not be attempting that again.
Oh wait, Micah and I are supposed to go to the bank again in the morning. Uh oh.

House...

2008-03-05T22:21:00.003-06:00

So this is a house we found and want. It is about 20 miles from where we live now. It is a lot larger than the home we have now too, like 1000sq ft more! Its a 4 bed, and right now we only have 3 very small bedrooms. It has 2 living areas, which would be perfect for a school/game room. It has a partially remodeled kitchen and the rest of the house needs to follow suit lol. It has 10 acres with a creek and real small pond. It has a storm shelter. Its everything we want. But...we can't seem to get a lender. Its so frustrating. We don't have much debt. We have our home and our cars. That is pretty much it. But because we are self employed, things get interesting. First of all, they look at tax returns to see your income. Well, our tax returns don't show our actual income because it only shows the amount after deductions. Its almost a 50% difference! Which is a huge deal when they look at your debt to income ratio. It appears to the bank that our debt to income ratio is 70% when in actuality, on a normal month, its around 38%. That is a HUGE difference! We have never been late on a house payment or a car payment, even when Micah was out of work for months due to his broken arm. We do exactly what we are supposed to, not get credit cards (we have one very small one we pay off regularly), not spend more than we make, pay things on time, etc. But still, no luck. The other thing they said that self employed people can do for lending is do a stated amount loan. Which basically you tell them what you make, without providing proof and they believe you and give you the money off that, well 90% loan, you have to put 10% down. Well, we can't do this either because you have to have a certain credit score and ours is about 40 pts too low...even though we pay everything on time and don't have any "negative things" on our credit report. Except one. The devil lol. Its a credit card we had over 2 years ago that when Micah broke his arm, we didn't pay. We had no income. We lived off God's provision in different ways, and had to chose a couple things to push aside at the time so we could pay big things like home, cars, and electricity, oh yeah and food. So, this one credit card got neglected. We called and told them, did no good. So for 6 months we have a red mark on our credit. Since then, we have paid it off and it still haunts us. Its sucks. Its really the one thing that is preventing us from moving. I asked the lender what we can do to get our credit score high enough to do the stated amount, we just need 40 pts, and really nothing. It takes time for that credit card to stop negativelly affecting us. Or it takes time for our credit to raise from that time, I should say. Well, we don't have time lol. Someone else could buy that house tomorrow :( So we pray.

We love this home. Micah could do all the work to it that it needs, everything. The kids already picked out their rooms and everything. I know its not good to get too excited, but when you fall in love, well its hard to stop. Micah has wanted to live in the country since I can remember and we thought this was our chance. The boys were ready to go play near the creek and dig in the dirt. And they were so excited when they saw a neighbor girl riding a 4 wheeler since they too have a 4 wheeler. Its a good price and has everything we want. Even a large front porch and a cement slab next to the garage for the kids to ride their bikes and draw with chalk. And Micah was so excited about the wheatfield behind the woods and creek that are on the back half of the 10 acres because deer usually go in/near wheat so he was thinking he could hunt right there. Perfect.

So, please pray! We did find out tonight at Life Group that a friend of ours knows of a guy in Edmond that does private financing and the thinks he will do it. I try not to get too excited, but I am. So, I am calling him in the morning to see what he says. The first lender said nope and the second is still working on it but says it doesn't look good. So this guy is our last hope. And if we do get approved, we need to pray they accept our offer and that we can sell our house quickly because we need the equity in it to remodel the new house and pay closing costs.

Thanks guys...don't venting :) Just please pray for us.

Why put God in box???

2008-03-01T10:29:00.004-06:00

I was looking for a pic on yahoo for this blog and searched worship and found this boy and fell in love. I had to put it on here. It represents what I am trying to say. A boy with a child faith, no shirt, dirty from playing and just looking up, worshipping God. LOVE IT!

So, this morning, I am frustrated. I am frustrated that SO many people try to put our God, our huge, loving, magnificant, all knowing, all powerful, God in a small little box. They want to only talk about Him a certain way, only worship Him in a certain way, want to see Him in a certain way. I don't think thats the way it should be. We see many times in the bible that people worshipped Him and went and prayed to Him in different ways - with loud music, with tears, with being alone and quiet, with friends, with family, with shredding of clothes, with complete abandonment. I wish more people understood this and did this. It says in the bible to do ALL things for His glory! Whether working, eating, playing, talking, anything, do it to glorify Him. This includes things that the "traditional" church would not see as appropriate. Like our pastor says, he will do ANYTHING short of sin to reach those who don't know Christ. Anything. I believe that to be true, and I would also say that, now that I know Christ, I will do anything to worship Him. I will rock out to the best, hardest, loudest music, I will lay flat on my face in worship, I will push my kids on the swings and thank Him for them and the beautiful weather, I will thank Him at meals for the yummy food, I will worship Him by teaching my kids all about Him and His amazing work in my life and His provision over me. He is amazing and I never want to put Him in a box. Ever.
I want to live my life as a testimony of His amazing power, His grace, His love. No matter what that looks like. And I pray that through this free worship, that others will look on and see Him. I want to shine for Him and be willing to be used in any way so He can reach others and use me as an instrument. I don't want to not do something that He is calling me to do because it looks "untraditional" or "not conservative" or "not what the church is used to". Jesus shook the place up when He came. He broke all the rules they thought were important. He put LOVE first, and scolded those that put rules above relationships, and I want to do the same. I want to love and teach my kids to love above all else. I want to raise my kids to worship Him in every single thing they do in life. Everything. I am raising them to pray daily, from now, until they are on their own, for God to show them what their calling is (and I am praying this daily as well). I want their career to be led by Him and not boxed in by this world. I want them to glorify Him in the way He calls them too, whether that is a "regular" preacher or a blue mohawked, pierced, tattooed skater. The bible says that God looks at the heart, man looks at the outside appearance. I have taught this from day one. I don't care what they look like on the outside, I want and pray daily that they have a heart that chases after God continually. That they have a relationship with Him that is so obvious to the world, they can't deny it. That their fire burns with such an intensity that no one can put it out. No one. I pray that if they do take the route of glorifying Him in ways that the "normal church" doesn't agree with that they stand strong and since they know it is their calling from Him, they don't others pressure them into quitting. I want them to live for an audience of one.
I pray all this for me too. I want to be a shining light for him in all I do. I want to break the molds of what the church is supposed to look like and do and live in the freedom He gave me when He sacrificed His life for me. He didn't die so I could live in a box. No, He died so I could shine for Him. In everything. In headbanging, in worhsipping softly, in playing with my kids, in crying with a friend, in everything.
For those that tend to be close minded about the way worship should look like or the way that Christians should act or look like, I pray that God does a work on their heart. That He proves to them He is way bigger than any rules that man has put on us. That He is bigger than any box anyone can put Him in. That He looks at the heart, not the outside. That He loves everyone no matter what. We cannot earn His love. Its there. We can't do anything to make Him love us more or less. Like our kids, no matter what, I love them, no matter their choices. We just have to accept it. Accept His love and His son. Thats it. Thank God because I fail daily and if it was based on me, I would have no hope. But my hope is in Him. Completely.

WinterJam 2008!

2008-02-29T10:23:00.003-06:00

Me and the kids waiting in line to get BarlowGirl autographs!

Korey Kooper (the most ROCKINEST girl guitarist EVER!) of SKILLET signing Noah's jeans.

My kis and me with BarlowGirl - they are so fun and so sweet!!!!

SKILLET's lead singer and the drummer (the girl) SHE ROCKS TOO!!

The WAY COOLEST moms waiting in line for a LONG time with their kiddos to meet BarlowGirl!

The Concert was so fun!!! We got there at 4pm (me and my kids). The doors didn't open until 6 so it was a long wait outside. Thank God it was nice out! The kids ate snacks and drew pics while waiting in line. They did good. Some friends joined us just before the doors opened and so we raced in and got pretty good seats next to the stage about 20 rows up. We got 19 seats total for 5 familes...it was crazy. First was PureNRG - a kid band. They were so cute! The kids loved them! Then Group 1 Crew - a hip hop band that was amazing. Loved them. Then a BMX, skateboard show that Elijah LOVED! They did some amazing tricks. The kids were doing good at this point, but Elijah was VERY tired so there was points in the evening that were hard, but all in all it was ok . I only lost my cool about 3 times lol. Hey, there was 18,000 people in that building screaming and I had to keep track of my 3 kids myself, it got...interesting. So anyways, next was Mandisa - the American Idol girl. She has a great voice and a great story of forgiveness. After she did a great rendition of Take the Shackles off My Feet so I can Dance, NewSong performed. They were great as well...but I was dying waiting for Skillet and BarlowGirl. So then Tony Nolan, a pastor/speaker came up and talked a bit and he was hilarious. He was reaching out to the the non believers and doing a great job. When they did the invitation to recieve Christ, I would say atleast 1000 people stood up and went to the volunteers to give info. It was amazing.
So next was SKILLET. WOW is all I can say. I have seen them before but they rocked the house. They did The Last Night, Rebirthing, Savior, and can't remember the others... They had fire, fireworks, and wow were they loud. The crowed LOVED them, it was so freakin loud in that place it was crazy! And Korey Cooper, the girl guitarist...she is so my hero lol. She is who I would love to be in my "fantasy life" lol. She runs around playing that guitar like no other, then plays the keyboard, then sings. Amazing. And the girl drummer never stopped head banging. And the guys, well they were all so good. My kids rocked out!! Well, Elijah was tired, and sat down and ate a snowcone and almost fell asleep lol...but he was extremely tired. After Skillet, we went out and got in line to meet PureNRG and Skillet. They did an intermission at this point and the hallways were so full I had to talk myself out of a stinkin panic attack. It was crazy. BUT I will say this, I never heard anyone cuss or push or shove or anything. Much different than some concerts at the Ford Center with that many people! I was impressed.
So the kids got PureNRG autographs and then we headed over to the Skillet table. We had them sign Noahs jeans and Journey and Elijah's jackets. They were so nice. They adored Elijah's mohawk, its like the singers, John Coopers :) They said how beautiful my kids were too :) Unfortunatly there were so many people in line they wouldn't let us stop for pics with them so I had to snap while walking lol. The guitarist had the best black hair with blue stripes, was so cool! She asked how old Journey was, I told her 5 and she said they have a 5 year old (her and the singer are marrieD). She said her daughter hates her music lol says its too loud. She was like "Where did this girl come from? My daughter needs to like my music!" It was funny. Oh and then the guy guitarist gave me 3 guitar picks with their name on them for the kids. They were so excited. So next we went and watched BarlowGirl. They are amazing. A group of 3 sisters that stand for purity and rock. Does it get any better? Their last song, the girl guitarist from Skillet came out and rocked with them. Was amazing girl power :)
After that we went out and stood in line for what seemed like forever for BarlowGirl. They had to wait until MercyMe was done before they could come out, so we missed MercyMe, but I have seen them and the kids wanted to really meet BarlowGirl so we opted to wait in line. So then they came out. Just walking down the hall like they wer "normal" lol so cute. Also they are short...llike me! It was funny, just never realized. So anyway, we got up there and they were so nice! They adored Elijah's little cowboy boots and all my kids eyes. Said they were beautiful :) They talked to the kid for a bit and even posed to take a pic with us! I loved that. I told them that Noah goes to their myspace regularly and his fav song in the world is "Gray". They loved that. I also said that I loved that they stood for purity and that I loved that I could raise Journey listening to their music since they stand for such great things and great role models. I think they loved hearing that.
Oh I also forgot we met the BMX guys and got pic with them and their autographs too! It was a full night!!! It was crazy and busy and stressful and fun. The kids to so good for how crazy it was. There was momments of madness and anxiety but for the most part, was good! I would do it again and again. We didn't get home until almost midnight, but the kids passed out about 5 minutes in the car.
I am sure that I left out many details but it was crazy. Oh yeah and the place sold out and they had to shut the doors and turn people away! It was madness - madness for Christ!!!!!

SO EXCITED!

2008-02-28T13:38:00.003-06:00

I am so excited for WinterJam tonight at the Ford Center! Some of my favorite bands are going to be there, Skillet and BarlowGirl! I am taking Noah, Journey, and Elijah while Micah stays home withe Ezra. We are going 2 1/2 hours early to try and get good seats since its general admission. So pray the kids are good while we wait - thank God its so beautiful outsid!!
Me and the kids are so ready to ROCK OUT!!!

Talk Time

2008-02-25T21:26:00.003-06:00

I LOVE how silly Journey and I can be, so I had to put this pick on here :)

So my daughter, Journey, and I had some "talk time" at bedtime tonight and she asked me some questions and then told me a story. It was a precious time and I just had to share. I won't get it all word for word, but you will get the idea of how precious she is!

Journey: What is the best thing that has ever happened to you?

Me: Jesus saved me, what about you?

Journey: That I got the best mommy and daddy in the whole world...

I know...get the tissues...

We talked some more, and she asked me the same question lol...I think she was looking for a specific answer about her :) so here it goes this time.

Journey: Ok, so whats the best thing that has ever happened to you in your whole life?

Me: Well, there are many, can I say a couple things?

Journey: yes.

Me: That I met our precious Jesus, that I met your daddy and married him, and that I gave birth to 4 beautiful babies. What about you?

Journey: Ok I have a bunch too. K first, that I got the best mommy and daddy in the whole world. Then that I have the best Jesus in the whole earth. And that I have the best brothers that protect me.

I know...second tissue....PRECIOUS! Don't you just want to eat her up???

Ok, so now, here is her story she told me.

There once was a princess who lived far away from her parents (why does she always say things like this) and she was sad. She lived in a magical castle that was full of magic. She was sad though. There was men that lived there too that were mean to her. But there was one really big giant that lived there that was nice to her. Want to know why he was nice? Because he had this special medicine and he took this special medicine that made him nice. And he also knew God. But the princess didn't know God. He knew God because He lived in his heart (as she puts her hands on her heart). So the giant told the princess about God and then the princess was happy too. (I love that he didn't just give her his special feel good medicine to make her happy lol)

So of course, I asked..."did the princess ask Jesus into her heart too?" and she smiled and said "yes". The end.

Yes, that my friend, is a good ending. Good night.

My Birthday!

2008-02-23T06:20:00.004-06:00

So tomorrow I will be 31. I have all different feelings about that. First off, it seems like a number that I would never be lol. Not sure why, just does. It doesn't feel old, just sounds old, to me. But, I will say, I am glad to be out of my twenties.
My twenties were full. I did so much in those 10 years and am hoping that my thirties will be different. Not sure how, just different.
I was married when I was 21, had my first child at 22 (and officially became a stay at home mom), my father in law died at 22, moved to Maine when I was 22, moved back to Oklahoma at 23, got a waitressing job at 23, got pregnant with Journey at 24, started going to Life Church at 24, met my precious Jesus at 24, started getting a divorce at 24, moved to Edmond at 24, stopped working at 25, had Journey (in a car lol) at 25, didn't get a divorce, Micah got saved when I was 26, got pregnant with Elijah at 27, moved into a new house at 27, had baby #3 at 27, started homeschooling at 28, Micah started own business at 28, went to NYC on my first mission trip at 29, got pregnant with Ezra at 29, had baby #4 at 30.
So there are the highlites. There was may more, but you get the point. I was busy becoming a wife, mom, and follower of Jesus. It was a crazy 10 years!
So, here I am, married for almost 10 years, saved for 6, almost 7, and have 4 kids, 8 and under, and about to turn 31. Its crazy where life leads you. I never thought I would be here. Of course growing up, I didn't know there was a "here". I didn't know who Jesus was, didn't know it was "ok" to have 4 kids at such a young age, didn't know that homeschooling existed, and that we could survive on one income in this "day and age" (as people would say and push me to work and put my babies in daycare).
I am so thankful for all I have learned these past 10 years. Lessons I learned that I needed to learn, and usually the hard way. I am thankful to be where I am at. I am thankful for my blessings. Thankful for my husband, for my home, for my kids, and for my friends.
I could not have been blessed with better friendships. I have a group of girls that would truly lay down their lives for each other. We laugh, live, cry, pray, and rejoice together. Its beautiful.
So, now I wonder where the next 10 years will take me. Micah and I have many dreams that we pray will be fulfilled in our thirties. We would love to move to the country and raise our kids outside of the "city". He would love to start a game ranch ministry on the acreage. I would love to write more. I would love to go on more mission trips. I would love to start religiously doing date nights with my husband weekly. I would love to build my relationships with each of my kids more, including monthly dates with each - all alone. I would love to read more. I would love to finally read the whole bible, even the parts that seem boring, but I know are full of God's lessons of love for me. I would love to strengthen my relationship with Him so when people see me, they see Him. I would love to see my close family get saved. I would love to travel more. I would love to have my panic attacks and anxiety stop. I would love to have more intimacy with Micah and take our marriage to a whole new level that we didn't even know existed. I would love to just plain love... easier. And that comes from more time with Him.
So my biggest desire for my thirties is to take my relationship with Him to a level so deep, I can never "fall" out. That He and I are so intertwined, I am walking in the spirit, more than the flesh. That the fruits of the spirit are pouring out of me. That is my main desire.
Happy Birthday ME :)

When I have time...

2008-02-20T22:33:00.001-06:00

Must post later...lots to discuss. But right now, my top priority, my husband is waiting for me :) Nighty Night!!

Journey

2008-02-18T09:39:00.002-06:00

So yesterday, my daughter and I had some time alone to play. So she decided she wanted to play that I met her at the airport. So I started asking questions during this "play" time to find out details :) I asked where she was going and she said Hawaii...that she moved there. I asked why and she said cause its so beautiful (we have never been there). Then I told her I was sad she moved so far away and asked if daddy and I could move out there too to be closer. She sat and thought a while and said "I'll come visit you alot". Guess thats a no. I then told her I wouldn't live with her, I would get a house down the street and we could hang out, get coffee, go shopping, and I would babysit for her, then she said yes :)
Next we played school. She was the teacher and I was the student. Again, I used this time to get info out of her. I asked if she had kids and she said 2. I asked why she didnt homeschool them and she said homeschool is boring. lol. I also asked why she worked and didn't stay home with her kids, she said she liked being a teacher.
Then we played mom and daughter and I was the daughter. I mouthed off and she gave me two swats (pretend). I really didnt mouth off, just whined that I was STARVING like she does lol. She told me to stop or I would get time out. I didn't stop so she said now I got time out and two swats. I told her I was sorry and she said thanks for being sorry but you still get swats. Harsh. lol.

So through all this I have figured out that as soon as possible, she is moving as far away from me as possible, that she will not homeschool like I do, or stay home with her kids, and she will be quite the disciplarian :) Interesting....

My Man

2008-02-14T12:01:00.003-06:00

In honor of Valentine's Day...

The things I LOVE about Micah:

1. He is so funny
2. He is a dreamer
3. He is HOT
4. He works hard
5. He loves having fun
6. He loves me
7. He thinks I'm hot and tells me all the time
8. He loves our kids
9. He loves to help people
10. He has a sweet heart
11. He loves to take me out on dates
12. He protects me
13. He can fix lots of things
14. He loves me even when I'm crazy
15. He loves touching me
16. He is committed to our family
17. We make beautiful kids together
18. He is my man :)

AND SO MANY MORE REASONS (but must go tend to the kids!)

There is life this early!!

2008-02-14T06:02:00.002-06:00

So I am trying this new morning thing. Like right now, its 6:02 and I am up. Its wierd...I admit, but I am actually starting to like it. Its quiet. I can think straight. Its nice.
It all started Monday when I decided to attend the early morning bible study at Christie Gs house. Its from 6am-8am. When I came home from that, I realized, I liked starting my week off talking about God, drinking coffee with a girlfriend, and eating some yummy muffins. I felt refreshed, like the week wasn't going to be too bad.
So the next day, I slept in, yes until 7:00. But then Wednesday morning I was back up and out the door to meet a coffee date at 6am again! I met Robin Meadows, a homeschooling mom of 7, whose children are almost all grown, to chit chat about life. It was so nice. It was freezing cold getting out to the car that early, but nonetheless, again when I got home, I felt like I could handle the day better after starting my day having yummy coffee and talking about God and life.
So here I am today. Its again 6am and I am up. I do long for my bed...but I am going to spend some time with Jesus instead. Its needed. And if it makes me have just a tad more patience today with my kids, its worth it.
What are you trying new to make your days go a bit better?

Remodeling...me.

2008-02-11T20:01:00.000-06:00

Remodeling a home often begins with just one who is willing to pray, believe God, perservere, and be personally remodeled. Don't start trying to rebuild your whole family. Life's far too short to "labor in vain". Just allow God to rebuild you. Thankfully, health can be as contagious as sickness. Slowly you will begin to see the contagious effect of God's healing work.

This is from Beth Moore's "Feathers From My Nest" book. It really spoke to me because its so familiar to my family. I feel like I am the spiritual leader of my house and its hard. I want Micah to lead us, to pray for us, over us, and speak truth to us. But...its not happening. So, like she said above, the remodeling of my home can begin with me because I am willing to pray, believe God, persevere, and be personally remodeled. Its hard. But will be worth it.

Update and My Mom

2008-02-07T21:50:00.000-06:00

Well, so far so good on the whole "change" thing. I am doing better being quiet about things that I would normally be pissed about. I just figure, I would rather have peace than a fight over something that we will never agree on. Plus in the grand scheme of things, the kids will be affected worse by our fighting then what the argument is truly over.

Micah is still out of work, its been 3 weeks now. Its hard. We just spent the last of our money on a couple groceries and 20.00 gas in each vehicle. So now we pray we make it until he gets paid again. He does have work lined up starting next week until the end of March, so thats awesome, just not sure when the first paycheck will come. So until then, we eats lots of canned food lol.

My sister called me tonight and told me my mom is in the hospital. She was complaining of chest pains and so they admitted her overnight. My sister is heading there now and will call me in a bit with an update. I worry about her. She is pretty overweight, smokes, and doesn't eat the best, oh yeah and no regular exercise. She's a nurse so it suprises me she doesn't take better care of herself. I hate being this far away in times like this. I want to be next to her bed in the hospital. We aren't real close relationally, but I think she is the best mom she knows how to be. She was an only child and her mom was 40 when she was born and her dad died shortly after. Her mom did the best she could too. We don't talk alot. Maybe once a month, which is sad. She never calls me, but I should call her more, if anything to show the love of Christ to her. Which brings me to another subject, I don't know if she is saved. She talks about God and loves angels and such, but not sure if she believes in Jesus. When she came down for Ezra's birth, she did take the kids to church for us while we were still in hosptial and my sister said she got the "What's next kit" which means she would have raised her hand to accept Christ, but I have never really talked to her about it. We went to a Newsboys and Kutless concert together up there too last time I was up and they preached salvation, so I know she has heard it, just not sure if her heart has accepted it. My sister said she will talk to her about it at the hospital, so I am excited about that. Both for my mom and my sister. I think this will be the first time my sister "witnesses" to anyone. Its exciting!

So I will keep everyone updated as soon as I know more. Thanks for your prayers for her.

Change. Why so hard?

2008-02-04T21:56:00.000-06:00

Ok, so about the changes I need to do...now. None of them can I do alone. I need the help of prayer and the Holy Spirit leading me. And they are all pretty much self sacrificing, which is the problem. I feel as if I am always the one changing, sacrificing, shutting up, "dealing" with things to keep peace, etc. I got sick of it and started fighting back. I started running my mouth, bitching, nagging, all that. Well guess what. Things still didn't change. It was still the same around here, except we were fighting all the time instead of any peace. So I decided I need to make a choice. And let me preface by saying life is not fair. At all. I tell my kids that all the time and now I am learning. And with saying that, I am having to choose peace instead of getting my way, getting whats "fair" and making my point. Sounds easy enough but its not! Especially when it several times each and every day and I am usually right :) but I have to choose to let it go in the spirit of peace. I am done fighting in front of my children just because I am right and I want to prove it to him. Its stupid. I could probably "justify" it, but nonetheless, its killing my family. And its doing nothing but killing my marriage.

K, so I know what I need to do, now I need to learn how the hell to do it. I need to be content with certain things in my house that we fight about and aren't changing. I need to walk away and not let it bother me. I need to smile, be sweet and love him at all times, even the driving me crazy times. That comes through the Holy Spirit. I need to be letting Him lead me and with that leading, there will be peace. So I guess the answer is, I need to spend more time with Him so He can change me. So the fruits of ths spirit can come out, so I can unconditionally show love to Micah again. I need to be okay that some things may never change. As much as I want them to and cry for them to, I need to be okay if they never do. This is hard and it can't come from me, has to be a work of the Holy Spirit in me. Plain and Simple.

So with all that said, here are the things I can work on while the Holy Spirit works on me :)

1. Walk away

2. Shut up

3. Tear up my "list" of expectations I have for others and love them where they are at

4. When I want to fight, go in the bedroom alone and fight with God, not my family. He can take it :)

5. Speak Micah's love languages first, stop waiting for him to speak mine. And keep speaking it, even if he never speaks mine.

6. Be okay that life is not fair and that I may not get all I want or treated the way I think I should. Be truly okay with this.

7. Never cease praying for my husband to be who God wants him to be, not who I want him to be.

Prayer for change

2008-02-03T21:48:00.000-06:00

I will blog more details later, but I am needing to change alot of things soon, better yet, now. So pray for me please, that I have the strength, desire, will, and self control. I NEED to do this.

A Bit Better

2008-02-01T14:50:00.000-06:00

Well I am a bit better. The fever is gone. I am still very tired and groggy. My throat is very sore and I am really congested. Micah has a massive headache and is congested and coughing. Noah is pretty much just coughing. Ezra is still good. Cutting his top two teeth, but good otherwise.
The other two kids are supposed to come home tomorrow. Please pray that one of us feels better so we can go drive an hour to meet her and that we can tolerate the kids. That sounds bad, but when you don't feel good, its all about tolerating lol.
Thanks guys!

Couple things I have learned being sick...

2008-01-31T22:07:00.000-06:00

1. Things just don't taste the same. What tasted yummy a couple days ago, does NOT taste yummy today.

2. I don't have the bladder control I once had. After 4 kids, never thought I had a problem, until I coughed up a lung today and peed my pants.

3. I really long for summertime. I long for the days when we swim everyday and play outside.

4. I miss the crazy chaos that is usually in my home. Who thought I would ever say that?

5. And I wonder, is my breastmilk warmer if I have a fever?

Still sick...PRAY PLEASE!

2008-01-31T09:31:00.000-06:00

Please continue to pray for my family. I am still sick. I hardly slept last night with having a fever, I would sweat then get chills, back and forth. And I had a cough and extremely sore throat too. Then this morning felt as if I was going to throw up, but haven't yet. I'm just miserable.
Noah is doing okay. He has had a really bad cough for the last couple days. He has had to take his inhaler quite a bit and isn't sleeping well either.
Micah sucked it up and went to work today. He is still sick (he has spent the last 2 days in bed, literally) but we have no idea how we are going to pay bills, since issues arose last week and we didn't have hardly any work and now this week we are down 2 days. Its a time to trust God, thats for sure.
Journey and Elijah are at Grandmaws until tomorrow, possibly Saturday, thank God. I would not be able to take care of them right now, its hard enough taking care of Ezra. Speaking of, he seems to be doing okay. He has had diareah for a couple days, but no other symptoms of anything. He is just needy which is so hard when I am so weak and tired.
Friends have brought us dinner the last 2 days and another is bringing lunch today. You guys are so sweet to offer to do this. It has helped tremendously. Thank you.
I do have one question. My milk seems to be lessening. Ezra has to nurse for like 5-10 minutes before I have a let down, its rediculous. And it seems like I don't have very much. Is it normal for your milk to decrease when sick? What can I do to increase it if so? I have nursed for 5 stinkin years, you think I would know, but I have never been this sick while nursing.

YUCK!

2008-01-29T09:07:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I sent the 2 middle kids to Grandmaws yesterday since Noah was sick. Today, I wake up with body aches, ears are "clogged sounding", nauseaous, and weak. Great. Oh yeah, and Micah was up all night with tummy issues and is congested and coughing. Not good. Niether of us are able to take off work. He NEEDS to make money this week, last week was a very slow week...the joys of self employment. And I need to still care for a 9 month old very fat and heavy baby. He feels much heavier when I 'm weak. Noah is still sick too. Now its moved into his chest and he has asthma so its always worse. We go to the dr today for him. Pray for our family!! Also pray that Journey and Elijah stay healthy down at Grandmaws and are having fun and being obedient!

My Saving Grace

2008-01-24T21:46:00.000-06:00

Check this out....think I want it :) Anyone happen to own it yet?

http://www.trinitypaperbacks.com/Art/MySavingGraceBackBig.jpg

Sick baby....

2008-01-24T10:53:00.000-06:00

Please pray for my baby Ezra. He has been throwing up alot and has diarrea for the last 2 days. I am taking him to the doctor today. Thanks....

Psalm 73

2008-01-23T23:09:00.000-06:00

This is the lyrics to the BarlowGirl "Pslam 73 " song that really touched me yesterday...its my prayer through this tough season.

I've had enough of living life for only me

And reaching just for the things that keep destroying me

So sick of envying the lives of so many I see

Somehow believing that they have what I need

[Chorus:]My God's enough for me

This world has nothing I need

In this whole life I've seen

My God's enough, enough for me

I can't explain why I suffer though I live for You

Those who deny You they have it better than I do

Cover my eyes now so that my heart can finally see

That in the end only You mean anything

Who have I in heaven but You

Nothing I desire but You

My heart may fail but not You

You are mine forever

"Starving Jesus"

2008-01-20T22:55:00.000-06:00

I am reading Starving Jesus by Craig Gross and J.R. Mahon and read this tonight and wanted to share. I like routines. It helps me. I also struggle though with being consistent. I hate this about myself. So when I read this, it gave me great ideas on daily things of what I can do to help with my routine. So here it is:

"J.R. and I have a routine. Routine wraps itself in action. The first established routine for us is prayer. Twice a day on our knees no matter what. From there, it's maintenance praying the rest of the day.

We also make a daily habit of putting the Bible in our lives. This is as simple as reading James and finding something to do. We suggest reading the Bible in twos every day. Read two pages, or two verses, or two books, or read one verse in the New Testament and one verse in the Old. Two. Do at least two everyday. Don't let the Bible intimidate your everyday routine. It's been around a long time, and you have a lifetime with it, so relax and read two. Whether that's in the morning or at night (or both), let the discernment of the Holy Spirit be your two guide.

J.R. and I also tell on ourselves. We seek accountability with people around us. We let others know what we are thinking and doing. The Bible calls it confession. We call it having the balls to be honest withe people around you. Find that one person you can share your life with and let it go. And know one thing; everyone around you is still figuring it out too. The people who look like they are the most together are most likely the people who need to read this chapter. So confess, often face to face.

The last thing to keep you in routine and away from being Born Again Lazy is simply to get connected with the lost and un-churched around you. Challenge yourself to talk to others about faith, about why people don't believe, about why you doubt. Talk about the history you have with God and what that means in your life and your family's life. Create relationships around you. Your unsaved neighbor is just like you, and we'd be willing to bet that they are just as curious about you as you are about them. After all, don't you find yourself wondering what they are doing over there? Well, go find out."

So, with that said, I would love to take this advice and start a routine. Not be be "religious or legalistic" but because, I hunger for routine and structure. It helps me stay sane :) Hope this helps some of you out there. and I highly suggest this book, as well as his other one I read "The Gutter". His books are all about getting off our butts and doing something with our faith. To stop being Born Again Lazy, and get out and do, do, do for others. What a philosophy :)

I'm back!!!!

2008-01-20T21:08:00.000-06:00

I'M BACK!!!!
We got a new computer, and I am up and running and using every possible antivirus I can to prevent another dang crash!
Hopefully I will start blogging soon....soooooo much to talk about!!!
Love you all!!

Computer down - AGAIN!

2007-12-29T14:11:00.003-06:00

My computer is down....again.

Can't talk about it.

Won't be on here for a while :(

Will blog again when things are back up and running!

blah.

2007-12-26T14:57:00.001-06:00

bored...could put the gazillion toys and crap away that the kids got from family for Christmas. That requires WAY too much work and motivation...or could clean, naaah....kids going crazy...wanting summer back so the kids can swim!!

Kids Cleaning - I'm not!

2007-12-18T14:37:00.000-06:00

Why haven't I made my kids do lots of chores earlier? I am sitting here, while they just swept, swiffer mopped, put dishes away, cleaned bathroom sinks, cleaned off kitchen table, wiped down highchair, and cleaned tubs...granted its not perfect, or close to what I would have done it like, but dangit, its done and I didn't do it!!! I am so going to keep this up!!!!! And finally start an allowance :)

My baby girl....

2007-12-17T08:02:00.000-06:00

Nothing scares a parent more than their child getting hurt....well last night, I heard a scream like never before come from my precious Journey Graces little body. She walked in her room, where I was laying Ezra down, standing there screaming and pointing to her head, yep her head. Not cool. I couldn't see what was wrong because it was dark, so I followed her to the living room and by this time blood was dripping down her face, yes her face. I freaked. I looked at Noah and just started screaming - "What happened?" "What happened to my baby girl??" Ok, that should be in caps, because it was SCREAMING!! And usually Noah is involved in anything that results in blood, so I assume he knew. He kept saying, I don't know, I don't know! (I later apologized for freaking out on him...). I handed him Ezra and grabbed Journey and took her to my room. I immediately gave her some motrin. I got wipes and cleaned up the blood on her hands (which is what was freaking her out and making her cry, not really the pain) and got a wascloth to put on her head - oh yea and did I mention Micah was gone working??? So, I start asking what happened, all the while, Elijah is crying for "his Journey" and Ezra is screaming in the living room wondering why he's not in bed, why everyone's screaming and crying, and he's now alone.
Come to find out, she was running, looking down, and ran the top of her head (where a babys soft spot would be) into the corner of the kitchen counter.
So I called Micah, couldn't get ahold of him of course, so I then called Jeremy Canaday. I figure, he's a fireman and would be the one (if he was working) that would respond to this type of 911 call, so let's go to him first. So I load up my kids and drive to his house (right in my neighborhood). He cleans her up and finds the wound, which had now stopped bleeding. It wasn't real big and doesn't need stitches, thank God! I finally got ahold of Micah and he met me over there.
So after Jeremy's, I took her home, bathed her (she looked like a kid from nightmare on elm street or something, it was awful) and put her to bed. But she fought it, she was back to her spunky self and wanted to play and stay up all night!!
Can I just say that she is one tough cookie??? Before we even left for Jeremy's she was calm and was talking to Elijah trying to calm him down, all while holding a blood covered washcloth on her head and laying on a spot of blood on my comforter?? She is a trooper.

I Love Him :)

2007-12-17T07:51:00.000-06:00

Micah and I have been struggling lately with feeling intimate with each other. There has been a wall up. I built half, he built half. Well, I am ready to tear it down, break it down, demolish it. I have realized how much this man means to me and how much I need us to be okay. I don't function well when we are not okay. I am a mess, I am not a good mom, I have more anxiety, all these things...

So last night, we started tearing it down. It was beautiful. It may take a while, but its necessary. I love him so much and want to be so close to him again. We have been married 9 years so the seasons have come and go with the gooey feelings, and the not so gooey feelings :) But commitment is the key, and I am committed. And I am ready for the next gooey feelings season :) Love you all and please pray for us. Everytime we want to reconnect, the enemy is right there waiting to fire darts at us. Pray for God's protection around us and the glorify Him during this time. After all, it is Him who saved our marriage in the first place many years ago!

Thanks guys :)

My boys....

2007-12-15T22:17:00.000-06:00

So, in the morning at church, we are dedicating our 2 little boys, Elijah - 3, and Ezra - 7 months, to the LORD!!! I am so excited! A dedication is sort of like a baptism, where its a public proffession of faith and promise to raise our kids in a Christ centered home. It doesn't "do" anything, its just a public announcement for everyone to see that we are raising our kids to know HIM! I am so excited! I love things like this and that we can invite our family and friends, who don't normally go to our church, or the same time service, or any church, to come and enjoy this time with us!
We dedicated the 2 older kids a while ago, when Journey was a baby, so now its the boys turn! We get a certificate, which I pray to not lose, and a little bible with their name engraved on it :) Luckily, we still have the other kids bibles! I have no idea how, but we do!
So, if you can make it out, come join us at the 10am service at OKC campus of Lifechurch.tv (178th and Penn)...if not, I am hoping to have some pics to post :)
Goodnight....

YAY!!

2007-12-15T08:25:00.000-06:00

LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW!!!!

Elijah is 3 today!!!

2007-12-14T07:18:00.000-06:00

Here are a couple of baby pictures I have left on photobucket. I have SO many more but my stinkin computer crashed with them all on it...so, enjoy these three :)

I can't believe our Lijah Bear, Bo Bo, Doodie Pants, and Meat head is 3! (not sure where Micah came up with some of those names!). So here is a list of must knows about our lil Lijah Bear:

He is so full of energy
He is so funny
He is so onry
He is so CUTE
He LOVES to tell stories...what we would call lies.
If he has a boo boo, and you ask him where he got it, he says his dirtbike....which we don't own.
When Micah asks him what he did that day, he says we went to someones house...we never left our house.
He says he plays tackle football...he doesn't.
He loves gum
He has an addiction to candy and pancakes
He loves to scream, throw fits, and has a slight anger issue lol.
He loves to talk and never is there a quiet minute in our house unless he's asleep
He will play barbies with Journey
He loves to wear boots an gloves (like baseball, gardening, any type) all the time.
He has an absolute fit if he doesn't pick out his clothes
He loves horses
He does not watch tv....ever.
He loves his papa and asks to go to his house everyday.
He thinks he is as old as Noah

He is just amazing. I look back at his 3 years and see such a change from baby to little kid. Makes me sad, but its inevitable, right?

I LOVE YOU ELIJAH ALLEN!!!!!!!

Psalm 57:1-3, 7-11 "I need peace..."

2007-12-11T23:04:00.000-06:00

Be merciful to me, God; be merciful to me
because I come to you for protection.
Let me hide under the shadow of your wings,
until the trouble has passed. ( I want the anxiety to dissappear under the shadow of his wings!)
I cry out to God Most High, (daily!! Minute by minute at night...)
to the God who does everything for me. (he has saved me, loved me, healed me, now I need Him for this!)
He sends help from heaven and saves me. (are the angels waging war for me? I hope so...)
He punishes those who chase me.
God sends me his love and truth. (its what I hold onto, its all I have to hold onto in the bad anxiety times!)

My heart is steady, God; my heart is steady. (I want it to be!!)
I will sing and praise you.
Wake up, my soul. (God PLEASE wake up my soul! Make it new again, fresh for your Word and ready for change!)
Wake up, harp and lyre!
I will wake up the dawn.
Lord, I will praise you among the nations;
I will sing songs of praise about you to all the nations. (I can't wait to tell of the world what you are going to do within me through this trial...I just have to hold on!)
Your great love reaches to the skies, your truth to the clouds.
God, you are supreme above the skies. (You are truth, You are love, You care for me, and You will finish the work you have started in me. You are above all the anxiety, all the issues I have, I know this and hold onto it!!!)
Let your glory be over all the earth. (I want to give You the glory when I am over this trial, I want it to be a miracle of You and Your love!!)

MY ANNIVERSARY!!!

2007-12-11T07:18:00.000-06:00

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MICAH!!!

Today we celebrate 9 years of marriage! I can hardly believe it. Its been a long and hard road to get here, but one I would take again and again to get to where we are at. I have learned what true love is....commitment. I have learned that feelings may go up and down, but at the end of the day, I am commited to my man, and that my friend is true love.
Our marraige has been a battlefield for satan since it began...he wants to ruin it, but I refuse to give it to him. I am stubborn and a fighter. I will stand firm til the day I die to keep my family together, and I know my husband will to. We are committed to raising our kids together, to loving each other, to rockin in rockin chairs old together :)
When we got married, neither of us really knew what we were getting into. Neither of us was a follower of Christ or knew how to really be a husband or wife. 9 years later, we are still learning. This is something, I pray to God, that we teach or kids so they don't have to learn the hard way, while they are married. I wish I really knew how to be a true godly wife since the day we were married, but I didn't, and I am still learning, and probably always will be. But I am a willing student. One who wants my man to be proud to be his wife. I want him to look at me and know I respect him, I love him, I am obedient to him, that I pray for him, I stand firm for him, and that I am proud of him. I know he doesn't feel all those things now from me all the time, but like I said, I am a work in progress and I pray that God keeps on teaching me and training me and molding me :)
So heres to another 9 years. Can't wait to see what they bring!!! The first 9 brought an almost divorce, 4 kids, several jobs, several houses, 2 different states, 5 different towns, and many other changes. So I am hanging on for another ride...totally in love with Micah :)

Prayer....

2007-12-09T20:46:00.000-06:00

Its been quite a day, a day that is still going on...as baby Ezra is fighting this whole sleep thing. Normally he is in bed at 7pm, no issues, and sleeps almost all night, but tonight he wants to party like a rock star. Me, not so much. I can already feel the anxiety kicking in and I just want to lay down, turn on worship, and read my bible. But he has other plans. So, I pawned him off on daddy for a bit so I can vent on here.
I need to ask for prayer. Prayer for contentness with some things in my life that probably won't change. Its not "bad" things, just things I would perfer to be a different way. Prefer is a small word for this, I REALLY want them a different way, badly. But I have come to learn, they probably will not change, atleast not by my power. I need to accept these things. I need my heart to be calm and content with the situation, for my peace, peace in my family, and most importantly to be a light in the situation. After all, if I really wanted to bring change, it must happen through the Holy Spirit, not through me. I cannot change anyone, I can pray for them though. I can love them. I can encourage them. I can be a light for them. But I am not right now. I am nothing of those. So I need to be. And if nothing ever does change, I still need to love. Please pray for me in this area, God knows all the details :)

I just....

2007-12-08T23:11:00.000-06:00

I just want to go to sleep without issues. I just want to lay in my bed, close my eyes, and drift off peacefully to sleep. I just want to not have my heart start racing, my mind start racing, my stomach start hurting, my breathing start heavying (is that a word?), I just want to stop crying, I just want it all to stop. I should be in bed right now, but I can't. I can't lay there without feeling like I am going to freak out. Its stupid. There is nothing wrong. I shouldn't be this way. Why have I changed like this? When will it stop?

My baby....well, big boy now!

2007-12-07T22:00:00.000-06:00

My baby is going to be 8 years old tomorrow...actually in less than 2 hours! Why so soon?? When did this happen?

Beside here is a picture of us just minutes after he was born. WOW...what feeling that was. My first born. My first son. My precious, perfect boy. I could reminise all night about his life. Its been quite a time. We have been through alot in the last 8 years. We have grown so much as parents, thank God. And he has grown into quite the little man of God.

He has such a sweet heart. He truly mourns when someone else is hurt...even if he is the one that did it. Yes, he definitly does his fair share of punking on his little siblings, but when its all said and done, his heart is made of gold. He truly loves God. He truly has a relationship with Him. I see the fruits. I see the Holy Spirit working in his life. I see him talking to others about his relationship with God. I see that he wants to change his bad behaviors. I see him quick to forgive and to apologize. I see my OCDness and my temper in him too. I see the good with the bad. It sucks to watch your child react to situations in such a negative way, the same way you would, and wonder, was it nature or nurture? I know he was born sinful, but I also know that I have taught him alot of things I wish I could take back.

But no matter what, that boy knows his mama loves him with everything in her. He is almost as big as me and still likes to crawl up in my lap and snuggle. He will come give me a kiss many times a day for no reason at all. He loves to help me in anyway he can. He loves dates with me. He loves his daddy, no wait, he ADORES his daddy. He wants to be his daddy!!! Its the cutest thing.

Noah Clovis Swindell...what a lil man. I have loved these last 8 years. They have been hard, he isn't the easiest kid, but hey, who is right? But I am anxious to see what the next 8 bring. I am scared, I am excited, I have such mixed feelings. I know deep in my heart, he will be a man after God's own heart, but I also see how messed up our world is and I PRAY so hard that he doesn't get pulled astray. BUT if he does, God is so much bigger and I know HE will bring him back to HIM :) I have hope...so much hope.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NOAH - I LOVE YOU!!!!

I HATE Anxiety!!!!

2007-12-06T22:44:00.000-06:00

Ever since Ezra was born, a little over 7 months ago, I have suffered with anxiety. It literally happened in the blink of an eye. The strangest thing. And I hate it. I am not the same person I was before his birth. Nothing traumatic happened, it was a normal birth, precious, special, and healthy! But the night I got home from the hospital, I freaked out. I woke up and flipped. I had a feeling inside of me that I had never felt before. I thought I was dying. I woke up Micah and he called my midwife, and she asked if I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin, and yes, I did. I felt trapped in it. I wanted out, but there was no way...except death. So she told us to go to the ER. On the way there, it had worsened, not only was my heart pounding out of my chest, my breathing messed up, my whole body sweating, my mind racing, my stomach in knots, my body doing wierd things to stay calm (rubbing my thumb on my other hand continuously, tapping my foot, etc), but my jaw started to lock and my legs started to shake. It was bad.
Since then, I have had about 7 or so other attacks. They range from fairly minor to a full blown, almost as bad as the one above. I HATE it. My mind races, I can't stop it. It usually happens at night too. There is something about the dark I can't handle. I have always been scared of the dark, but not like this. For weeks after my first attack, I had to sit up in bed, lights on, tv on until I fell asleep and had to keep it all on until morning. For months, I didn't have to do that anymore, I was starting to feel a bit normal again. But once again, nighttime has started its issues again. Every night lately when I crawl into bed, my mind races, my stomach gets into knots, and my heart starts racing and I can feel it coming on. Every night. It sucks. Its milder than a full out attack, but its still very real and very scarey.
Also, lately, I have felt like there are attacks coming at me from every where...in the flesh and the spirit. Mostly in the spirit. I feel like satan is really wanting my mind and I REFUSE to give it to him. He should know I am a fighter and won't go down easily. But its scarey. I know he whispers things in my ear to get me going. I know his angels are at work around me, I can almost feel them. Its awful. Its real.
I never understood what people were talking about when they talked about dealing with issues like this, but now I know. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I don't want to medicate myself into dealing with these times, but I do have an "emergency" medicine that I can take if I feel bad enough to go to the ER and I can't sleep. It has helped me a handful of times to calm down enough to rest. I hate taking it though. I mean, I rarely take any medicine, ever. So taking this really bothers me. But for now, its all I can do to make it through the really bad times.
Its been over 7 months, I just want it to stop. I want peace again. I know the facts in my head. I know I am protected by God. I know he has a hedge of protection around me. I know that I am sealed by His spirit. I know that I can have the peace of Him that surpasses all understanding. I know that He has not given me a spirit of fear. I know all this and more...but I am still human and still in this messed up, sinful world, so I am not perfect...or healed from this. I do believe I can be healed though, just not sure how, or when.
Until then, I pray. I pray myself to sleep, turn on an extra light, maybe watch some tv to calm down, and I pray. But man, do I long for the day when I can return to my old self before Ezra's birth that didn't feel this way. It sucks.

My Precious Journey Grace...

2007-12-06T20:55:00.000-06:00

Tonight, I was involved in the most important decision of her life...her salvation. I am in awe that God is so good. I am in awe that it was her older brother that started the conversation with her about Him and about her relationship with Him, which led to our conversation, which led me to leading her in a prayer to accept Jesus as her Lord and Savior. (and thank you Lifechurch.tv, because it was in Konnect this week that they talked about leading their siblings to Jesus!). I am amazed that God has given me such amazing children that want to live their lives following Him. I love their child faith. It amazes me. I know that she is young and doesn't know alot about the whole Christ follower thing, but I also know that God knows her heart and that now, I get to spend eternity with her praising our King!!!
I have to internalize all this and write more about it later...

Immuzations???

2007-12-05T20:46:00.000-06:00

K, so I am having such issues with continuing to immunize my kids. Ezra has his 6 month appt tomorrow (although he is almost 7 1/2 mo old) and is supposed to get more shots, but I want to tell them no. I just have a fear in my spirit that I can't shake.
So, anyone have any advice on how to handle the doc tomorrow? Also, what are your thoughts on the shots and the risks of getting them vs. not getting them? Its seems as though everyone knows of someone close to them that has had a negative effect from the shots, from mild fevers for days and sleeping non stop, to autism, to death. Its scares the fire out of me...
And fyi, I have done some reading and researching on the issue, so I do know some facts already, but want more facts and more opinions from all of you :)

An Elijah Day....

2007-12-05T16:00:00.001-06:00

It's been what I call an "Elijah Day"...those days are my hardest. Its when my precious little 2 year old decides nothing in life can be done without a fit. The sun didn't shine right this morning, the wind isn't blowing right, his underwear don't fit right, the pankcakes don't taste right, his socks don't feel right, and on and on and on. Its draining to say the least. And I did good...until about 1:00. Then I lost it. It wasn't okay and it wasn't pretty. I boiled over. I put him in my room, told him I was DONE with the fits, and not to come out until he had stopped crying...well he came out minutes later, still crying (did I mention the baby was sleeping just down the hall?) I grabbed him, put him back in my bed, said some more choice words, and shut the door. I felt horrible, but I was so MAD, so frustrated, so D-O-N-E!!
So after a couple minutes, I went in, scooped him up, held him, apologized, prayed over us, and sang him sweetly to sleep. It was precious, too bad it was following a crazy mommy episode.
Anyone else have "Elijah Days"?? Any advice?

Its hard...

2007-12-03T21:24:00.000-06:00

Why do some things never change? Will they? Do we lose hope or keep holding on?
There are certain things in life that seem to reoccur over and over and over.
You feel like you are banging your head against a wall and getting nowhere.
Sometimes they change for a little while, then back to square one in the blink of an eye.
Its hard to keep on hoping.
Its hard to keep on fighting.
Its hard to keep the strength.
But...its necessary. That is what I have to hold onto in these situations. There is nothing more important than NOT letting the enemy win. I have to remember, we are not fighting against flesh and blood but against a spiritual enemy who wants nothing more than to destroy me and my relationships. I CANNOT let him win. I won't.

My conversation with Elijah (the 2 year old)

2007-12-03T20:33:00.000-06:00

Elijah: scream scream scream (while I am giving Ezra a bath)
Ezra: laugh laugh laugh
Elijah: scream scream scream
Ezra: laugh laugh laugh
Mom: Elijah, could you please stop screaming, its really loud in the bathroom.
Elijah: but Ezra likes it - scream scream scream
Mom: :loud sigh:
Elijah: What? (pause) Am I making you hustated (frustrated)?
Mom: laugh...yes, yes you are.

Yep, it broke.

2007-12-01T22:13:00.000-06:00

So this morning, my "give a damn" broke (as my hubby would put it). I tend to be very emotional lately and every upsetting thing sends me into a whirlwind and I feel like a tornado through my house. I'm sure my kids love it. Its not pretty, its not okay, but its happening, and lately alot more than usual. I feel like the "old Stef" is coming back to move in, and dangit, I want to lock the door, deadbolt it, nail a board across, move furniture in front of it, and never open the door. I don't like her. She needs to stay away.

God gave me a second chance at life. He sent His son, so I could give my life to Him, and allow Him to change me into a new person. That is the person I am, that is the truth I need to hold onto, so when my "give a damn" breaks again, I can hold onto truth, instead of lies. I need to learn to chill. I need to learn to let small stupid things go. I need to learn to shut up. Why is that so hard???

Shutting up...I could probably write a book on that subject alone. How to do it, how to try to do it, and how to fail miserably at it, cause I have done all three. It's hard to be quiet when someone makes you angry, or someone is wrong and you feel you MUST tell them. But it is a necessary thing I have got to learn, for the sake of my sanity, and my loved ones around me. And who says I have to be right all the time? Who says I have to be happy all the time? Who says I have to have my way all the time? Its not even about me!!!! This life is about sacrifice, love, and worshipping our Lord, not about me. Yes, I am His and He has a job for me in this life, and God-willing, I will fulfill that job, but I need to get over myself first...which is very hard.

I think the hardest part about it is the fact that our world teaches us all its about us. Its all about me me me. Just watching shows and commercials and reading magazines and self help books, I see the media and authors sending those messages in my head, and now in my kids heads! Its so hard to raise kids that put others in front of themselves when we see commercials that say, "Have it your way" and "I want it all and I want it now" and so on...why is the world teaching us this? Do "they" really think life would be better and the world would be a better place if we all put ourselves as #1? I don't think so.

So tomorrow, hopefully my "give a damn" doesn't break again. I need to care. I need to love. I need to forgive. I need to sacrifice. That is the only way things will get better for me emotionally...and the only way Old Stef will move away forever.

no sleep...cheerleading...no offense!!!

2007-12-01T06:28:00.001-06:00

What a night...kids in and out of our room, crying baby (teething), not alot of sleep! The life of a mom!! Like it says in Proverbs 31...her light never goes out. We are on call 24/7, its our job, our calling, our passion, ok maybe not our passion at 2am, but its what we do. But its now 6:30am and they are each asleep, so thats always nice...its my "date with Jesus" time :)

Journey has her first cheerleading game today. She is cheering for the Upward Basketball team and is so excited. The organization is really neat and God focused, so you gotta love that! She has been practicing her cheers all week, so I am excited to see how she does! And yes, being a former cheerleader, it has been fun to watch her learn, and to help her with her cheers!

Oh..of subject here...my sort of "disclaimer" for my blog :

You know, I was laying in bed last night worried about this whole blogging thing. Worried that because I have different types of people reading my blog, at some point, I might offend someone, which of course is NOT my intent in any way, shape or form. But then, I realized I have to be honest too, considering, that is the point of having a blog/journal. If I wasn't, this would only be for entertainment, and that is not my point. I know my life is much different then some out there reading this, and very similar to some. I just want to say that I respect everyone's different ways of life, careers, parenting, disciplining, etc. When I blog about MINE, I am in no way, degrading yours, if its different. Just throwing out there what I feel and where God has called us as a family.
So with that said, just have fun reading my personal struggles and victories in the areas that God has led our family to!

Another day...come and gone.

2007-11-30T20:29:00.000-06:00

Well today was quite a day, a good day, but a tiring day. Elijah probably had, oh a good 35 fits, atleast, some resulting in time outs, some vinager in the mouth. Fun fun...but necessary. Noah did his school well and amazes me how quickly he catches on to things! If only he could sit still longer than 5 minutes! Journey, she had a good day of dressing up her dolls, horse and puppy until Elijah came in and destroyed it all. And if you know her at all, you know she is very particular, so that destroyed her world...for a momment.
Another day, come and gone, and although its difficult to be a mom of 4 ages 7 and under for 24/7, its worth it. I still cannot imagine waking up, sending them off to school for 8 hours, then back home, eat dinner, play a bit, then bed. We crave more than that for our family. We want to be the ones to teach them, lead them, influence them, help them, disciple them, and love them. So, through these hum drum days, I hold onto that. They are home, safe with me, loved by me, and with their siblings, whom are their best friends.

Before me

2007-11-30T08:03:00.000-06:00

I have been really trying to wake up early each morning to have some time with God daily because we all know that once the little ones are up, its nearly impossible to do anything alone.
So, while I was up this morning, I read this and wanted to share. And let me preface by saying that ever since Ezra was born (my 4th) I have suffered with major anxiety. Its the strangest thing because I am not a fearful person, at all. But nowadays, fear follows me everywhere. It sucks.

Psalm 16:8-11
I keep the Lord before me always.
Because He is close by my side, I will not be hurt.
So I am glad, and I rejoice.
Even my body has hope, because you will not leave me in the grave.
You will not let your Holy One rot.
You will teach me how to live a holy life.
Being with you will fill me with joy.

Wow...what hope we have if we "keep the Lord before us". But that seems so hard to do when we are changing diapers, getting juice, doing bible study, handwriting, math, breaking up fights, disciplining, cooking lunch, changing clothes because you have been spit up on for the 5th time, doing geography, science, getting toys down, folding laundry, sweeping up lunch off the floor, doing history, biology, getting markers and paper, cleaning up spills, and on and on and on............ But its necessary. If we want the joy that Jesus has to offer, we must put Him first in our lives. After all, without Him, life just isn't LIFE.

Who thought??

2007-11-30T07:43:00.000-06:00

Wow...who thought I would blog??? But I realized, I have a lot to share. I have a lot to learn first, but then I have a lot to share, about life, being a mom, friend, wife, child, etc...
I also am doing this because I forget everything. Literally. My memory is horrible. I hate that I can't remember important things, about my life, or my kids life. I figure, if I blog about it, its out there forever! That can be good and bad I guess.
Like some friends and I were talking the other day, I have a feeling this blog will seem very bi-polar. I tend to be quite extreme. One day, on a mountaintop, the next crashing in the valley below. So don't call any counselors on me quite yet, this is my normal behavior :)
I am going to try and blog daily, if time allows, to be open and honest about my day, and transparent about my struggles, so I can hopefully offer hope to others who may be in the same situation!
I am not good with technology, so things may be quite boring on here, without pics and videos and pretty things, but maybe in due time, those things will come!
Enjoy :)